Great desires of the heart

I believe that everyone has great desires in their heart. I was talking with a coworker today about life and choices and how things go in life sometimes. I mentioned that I turn 27 this year. In the whole scheme of things, 27 is not that old. Truly, it is not. That said, I watch as people that I have known for years, or for a semester or two get married, which is one of the great desires of my heart. I feel like I have done everything that I have wanted to, and everything that has been asked of me. I have graduated from school, I have gone on a mission, I have gained a great relationship with my family, and yet I have not gotten the one thing that can make me eternally happy, that of a companion. At 18 there was no way that I could have married. By 23 it was looking in that direction, that I could marry and be happy. 23 has come and gone and now, four months out from my 27th birthday I feel truly ready. When will my day come?

Decision day

Today was the day that decisions were made in regards to graduate school entrance. I have been obsessively checking online all day long, and the results are not posted. I was talking with a boss who is also trying to get into the same program as I am at one point today. He said to me, :Jamie, just put it aside and wait until Monday. We probably wont hear anything until then." I then repeated to him a family saying: "Patience is a virtue, posses it if you can. Seldom found in women, and never in a man." Then there is my personal favorite: "Patience is a virtue which I do not have time for." I was talking with another boss and I was expressing frustrations about how my life is really up in the air right now while I wait for information about school and this job that I really want. She said to keep moving foreword and that something will drop soon enough. So comforting, thanks.

Love

Love, according to my friend Webster is defined as : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others.

There is a piece of artwork which I really quite like, and have for years. American Sign Language is my language of choice. Sometimes when I hear people speaking in another language I wish that I had another language, and then I remind myself that I do. I have Sign Language. This piece of artwork is of Christ's hand in the sign for I Love You, showing his palm. I have loved this piece for quite a while, and this last Christmas my parents gave me a copy of that picture in a frame. I have it on a nail in my bedroom, in a place where I can easily see it when I am laying in bed. Many times I have looked at that picture and not thought much of it. I know the symbolism behind it, but until today, it has not had a huge impact on me, at least not the kind of impact that it had today. The last little while have been hard. I was denied Graduate school in March, more and more I feel as though I am missing a very important piece of my life, that of an eternal companion. I yearn for that constant person. To know that there will be someone by my side into the eternities. I have reapplied to graduate school, and today was the day that decisions were made, but I have not heard back yet. I have applied for a few jobs, one I heard back from... they did not want me. That's ok though, I didn't really want them either. With the culmination of everything, I just feel so weighed down. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom when I laid back and sighed. It was then that I caught a glimpse of the picture, and the meaning behind it. I began to cry. My Savior laid down his life for me. Not just for my sins, but for my pains, my sorrows, my personal struggles. He is there always and he loves me with every fiber of his being. I don't know how, but I know that he has felt the pains of not knowing where ones life is going, even when one feels as though they have done everything that has been asked of them. He knows the pain of wanting something so badly and having to wait, and worrying that the outcome is not what the person wants. He knows what it is like to try and align ones life with the will of the Father. He knows, and he loves me. Each time that I read in 3 Nephi in the Book of Mormon when Christ appears to the Lamanites I want to cry. They thrust their hands in his side, they felt the imprints of the nails in is hands and feet. Some times I try to imagine what that must have been like. I do not think that I will ever be able to look at this picture the same again, for it has truly brought on new meaning. The thing about Sign Language is that it is gestural rather than verbal. There are so many layers of symbolism housed in any piece of artwork and I have uncovered just one of the many layers of this one. A layer that holds so much.

It's been a crazy last few weeks. I have applied for a few jobs and grad school. This is the week that I should hear back about school. I am so nervous to hear back. I want to know so badly, yet I don't, because that means that I will have to face my future, weather or not I get in. Three days last week I was working three jobs, and I normally work two. I was supposed to hear last week about school, and it was postponed until this week. Friday to be exact. I have applied twice and taken the MAT three times. I really do hope that I get in. I guess that if I don't I can't say that I did not try, because I did. I tried my very best. I have given it my all, and all that I can do now is sit back and wait. Wait anxiously for Friday to come along.
I last three weeks I have been working in the LDS Employment center and loving every minute of it. I wish so much that they would let me stay there. That is where I want to be. Helping people find jobs. It is a gem of a place. No backstabbing, none of the typical work environment things happening. I keep being asked how I like it over there, and I give the same reaction. I love it. Let me stay! Even the people over there have said that they want to sign a petition to keep me. I think that doing that or working as a Job Coach are my dream places to be.

Veggies and me

I just bought a juicer and veggies. Yup, a juicer. I love it. It is fresher than buying pre-made juices. I love it. Just put the fruits and veggies in the juicer the night before and ready to run out the door the next morning. The biggest problem? Figuring out how much nutrition is being lost in the pulp and finding some great recipes. Suggestions?

Personal Statement #2

So I need to resubmit my grad school application this week. WooHoo. So, here is my rough draft...

To whom it may concern:
My name is Jamie Luthy and I am applying for the Masters’ in Rehabilitation Counseling program for Fall of 2011.
Helping people has always made me happy. I am very much a person who thrives on the success of others. I currently work as a job coach aiding a woman with a developmental disability hold a job. I also work in an employment resource center helping others find jobs.
I have a great since of who I am and where I want to be. I have wanted to be a part of the Rehabilitation field for many years. I have a great tenacity and an inner commitment to myself to go after my dreams. After learning about this program I studied hard and did not pass the Miller Analogies Test the first time. I took it two more times and passed on the third try. This shows that I am not willing to give up when things get tough.
For the past three semesters I have appeared on a panel of people with disabilities for and introduction to Special Education course to help raise awareness of disabilities. I want to continue to do so, bringing to light that they may have a disability, but that does not make them any less of a person.
I worked in an internship position during the Spring 2011 semester, that of my final semester while earning my bachelors degree. I worked forty hours a week as a job coach for two men with disabilities, putting together six different schedules- one for each day of the week, Monday through Friday in fifteen minute increments showing what they needed to be doing throughout the day. I also helped look for work and strengthen their job skills. I did this while taking Dr. Smart’s course Psychosocial Aspects of Disability.
I plan to work as a Rehabilitation Councilor and help those who need some extra help and encouragement. As someone who has spent my life surrounded by some who believed in me, and others who did not, I know both sides and want to be the one who believes. To know that there is help available in this world for those who need it is exciting to me.
I know that the techniques which I will learn in this program will be able to help generations. I firmly believe that everyone has their own innate set of strengths and that sometimes we loose track of our own strengths and need someone to help us find our way. This is what I hope to do; help people find their way.
Having been raised with several people who have varying disabilies and friends with disabilities ranging from cognitive to physical and psychological I feel that there is much for me to learn, and a lot that I can bring to the program. I have had family members who have had Alzheimer's’ disease, congestive heart failure, diabetes, neuropothy in their feet, hearing impairment, Attention Deficit Disorder, bipolar, depression, Dyslexia, apnea and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have had friends with Aspergers, seizures, cancer and acquaintances with depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, diabetes, Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita and many other disabilities. Having a brother with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result from the war has made me more determined to help those who need a little more love. Having watched the way that society approaches those with disabilities can be saddening and harden society. In a world full of anger and hate, I feel that having a loving face to encourage them along just might be what is needed. They have been beat down enough, let’s work to lift them up.
Thank you for considering me for the Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling program. I hope to do great things with the education which I will be afforded.

Rejuvenated and ready to go

I have been meaning to update this for a while now, but clearly have not. I re-took the MAT this last Wednesday. I prayed, I studied and I got a priesthood blessing. I went into the test knowing that if I did not make it this time, that I was going to call it good... at least for a while. There were many questions which if left to my own knowledge I would not have known. Gratefully I was not left to my own devices. The first time that I took it, I scored in the 22%, the second time was 34% I needed to be at 40% or above. I neglected to study the night before, but surprisingly was not terribly nervous. I took the exam, finished in just around an hour. Generally you get 60 minutes, but because of the fact that I am ADD, Dyslexic and have test anxiety, I got more time for which I am grateful. I did not feel rushed or anything, just confident that I had done my best. I finished with a score of 402. The proctor said that that was a good score, so that made me feel good. It was in deed a good score, good enough to get me a 46% and beat out my boss. I currently work two jobs, and I had to go to one shortly after finishing the test, but first I had time to run home and ask my roommate "Who has two opposable thumbs and just passed her test?" We were excited together. I then emailed the school and asked what I needed to do to reapply. I was so excited. I had prepared myself either way, weather I did well or not, knowing that I could not just call in to work. When I went into my second job, the one with the boss who had also taken the exam, he asked how I had done. I just grinned and said I PASSED. I then started jumping up and down saying that I had done better than he had. Everyone was so excited, it was even mentioned in our store meeting on Friday. I am so excited to move on with this chapter of my life. The school did say that if my letters of recommendation are more than a few months old then it would be in my best interest to change them. The crazy thing is... I feel good about them all... still.

Surroundings

I had posted on a social networking sight that I had graduated from a fully accredited university and in a way was rubbing it in the face of those who never believed that I would make it. To which, a friend made a comment that got me thinking. Within the community in which I live, this crazy phenominon happens. If you are male and you do not serve a full two year mission for the LDS church, your prospects decrease dramatically. If, on the other had, you are female and serve an 18 month mission, your prospects go down. To compound that, if you graduate from college it goes down even more. I am also planing to attend Graduate School, which means that my prospects will go down even more. I would like to some day marry and have a family, but at the same time, I am not willing to stop my dreams just to keep my options open.
Keeping all of this in mind, with all of the wonderful people that I am surrounded by I have been able to see some wonderful men and find some great qualities that I want in my future husband. Most recently, I want for him to have a sence of urgency with respect to his testimony and responsibilities. I want for his family to be the center of his world. I love my family. We have our querks, as all families do but when it comes down to it, we love each other. And when my future husband and I start our family I want for us to be the center of his world. While having a sence of urgency I also want for him to have a great respect for women and all at the same time, I want for him to be able to have fun. Is all of this too much to ask for? Again, I have been blessed to be surrounded by some great men and each of these things are drawn from one of more of these men. For those of you who are great men who understand the greatness of a woman, wonderful. For those of you who do not, perhaps you should learn.

Dyslexia?

At work we have this great thing where we do mock job interviews. Yup, we get paid to find another job and it is great. I have so many resources at my disposal that I can not even describe. I went into one of these interviews one day, and we are supposed to treat them like a real interview, dressed up, resume in hand, the whole nine yards. So I went in and one of the questions was about a weakness that I have over come, and the first thing that came to my mind was dyslexia. To that I got a slap on the wrist. Not literally, but pretty close. One of the boss' was siting there and he said something that struck me. He said that in all of the time that he has worked with me, and in everything that I have written, if he did not know that I was dyslexic he would not have known. I thought that that was so great. It truly is a weakness that has become a strength and I am so proud of it, but not something to be brought up in an interview.

Take 3

Well, now that I have graduated the next step is to take the Miller Analogies Test.... again... for the third time. It has been so frustrating to take the test again and again and, yes.. my score has increased significantly, but three times. Good grief. One of the managers that I work closely with took the same test once, four years out of school and passed, barely, but passed. I am fresh out of school but I can't manage. I am studying hard, and hoping that I can do it this time. I know that I can. I was given the advise to get through the end of my last semester and then study my little heart out. I was banking on having a few weeks to study. As it turns out, I found out today that the latest that I can take the MAT and have the score go in on time is next Wednesday. For those of you counting, that is less than a week from today. To say that I am slightly freaked is an understatement. I called my mom today and all she said was "Well, at least you do not have much time to freak out." Again, I don't get tragedies, I get hiccups. Which, is ironic because at the time of this writing I have hiccups and if you know me, you know that I may be little but my hiccups and sneezes are anything but little.

Graduate

I graduated from the University yesterday. It has been a wonderful weekend full of family, family and more family... also a big giant triumph. As I entered the quad yesterday morning, placing my cap on my head, with the tassel on the left side and putting on my robe for the traditional three block march across campus, it all felt so real. The keynote speaker and the valedictorian were both great, but I think that the thing that will continue to stick with me is the feeling of fulfillment. I made it. I am a first generation college graduate on my mother's side, and second generation on my father's. Someone said yesterday in one of the ceremonies that only about 2% of the worlds' population has a college degree. I am one of those few.

Now What?

Well, now (nearly now) I have a degree and it is certainly not Engineering. It is as if everyone keeps trying to beet a concept into my head that I am already fully aware of. It has been a crazy, and rough last several days. I think that I have cried every day of the last five days.… maybe not yesterday because I was focused on Easter and being with people who are not trying to beet into my head that I need to find a new job, but that my degree is meaningless. I wish that some of the people that are doing this, would at least pretend to be supportive.

It's official

After a series of things happening in the last few weeks, I start back at work where I left two weeks ago. I feel at ease with that decision. The Job that I took just did not work out, and gratefully I had not actually signed any release papers, so I still had a job to return to. I will not get to work directly with my guys, and I have to come up with a game plan. I am job placement ready, I just need to find a good fit.

Decisions, decisions

This last week has brought some huge decisions. I graduate in just a few days...16 to be exact, but who's counting. Now is the time that I am needing to be thinking about my future and what I am going to be up to for the rest of my life. So, here is the list of decisions in no particular order:
1. To move or to stay in my apartment (which I have already signed a contract for)
2. To move to another city, i.e. Salt Lake
3. Do I reapply for Grad School?
4. Am I REALLY supposed to go to Grad School?
5. I have a part time job right now, if I do reapply, and don't get in a part time job is not going to help me pay back my loans.

Oh the life I live. It really has been an interesting last few months. I was going an internship, which I have since completed and went to three job interviews, two of which I got call backs for, which was really exciting. I took one of them. It has been interesting over the last two weeks. I really like my coworkers and the participants that I work with. I work with several people with disabilities and they are all so sweet in their own ways. They all have such unique personalities. I really do like them, some times it is emotionally hard though because I am so results driven, and you do not get to really see results as much as I like to see them. I saw and was able to document amazing results in the gentlemen that I was working so closely with for three months, and I miss them. I knew intellectually that I would miss them, but I did not know in my heart how much I would truly miss them. There are moments when I think about them. I learned so much from them after all. For part of my new job I was working just two blocks away from where "my boys" are and wanted so badly to go over there and see them. I had to stop myself. They are no longer my responsibility. I went in today to take care of some paperwork, because I still technically work out there. Both of the guys were gone, but there is a distinct difference in the atmosphere of the two enviornments. Yes, I like both, but I miss the one. I still get updates from time to time on how both of my guys are doing. Which leads me to the next question, do I apply for Grad school, OR apply for a Job Coach position in Salt Lake City at the Deseret Industries down there? This would mean, maybe not giving up compleatly on grad-school, but possibly postponing it for a time. Perhaps I am not ment to go to Grad-school, but rather I needed that goal to get me through my under-grad. Maybe, I need to do Job Coaching and make a difference locally, one-on-one. As it is, that is pretty much what I have been doing for the last four months, just add a few more technicalities. I know that there may be people who will have better resumes than I do, however I have had this experience, as well as my life experience behind me. I wish that I some how could get them to see past everything, and call the store here in Logan, because I know that they would give me glowing reccomendations.
I very nearly moved into a new apartment here in town with a friend, when I already have signed a contract for another year at the place where I already am. There was a lot of thought and the final decision was to not move. This because, well, what if I don't get into Grad school (again) and/or decide to take a job in Salt Lake. I did not want to leave her in a lurch.
Lastly, what if I don't get into Grad-School? I have to start paying my student loans back and a part time job is not going to help me do that.
Oh, decisions decisions.

Hiccups

Iv'e come to the conclusion that I do not have tragedies very often. I have hiccups. I will get a blow and cry about it for an hour, call mom, and then somehow it is no longer a tragety, just a hiccup. I failed my Sophmore English class. Bummer. Tuned around and took summer school. Was denied entrance to a private university, but got accepted to a school that better suited me and my needs. My GPA was too low to get into my desired undergrad program. I found another one, which I really took to. I was denied entrance into my Master's program. Yes, that was hard, but I am determined to move forward and try again. Practice makes perfect, right? I know that I am not the top of my class, but I am determined and that that counts for a lot. Life is full of challanges, and you have to be ready for them.

Disability Advocacy

I really want to get involved in disability advocacy. There is so much need for change. I think that the first place to start is to do just what I already do: speak out and talk to everyone. But really, I think that it would be awesome to be able to speak out regularly. Maybe to do something similar to what I did when I was still doing Native dancing and performing and giving presentations. Something like that, giving presentations. I want to help others who fall through every crack that is possible and encourage them to still move forward.

A call back

I have had a crazy last few weeks. I have had an interview with three different companies the last three Fridays. Crazy, I know. The first one I felt like I had the job in the bag, but I really did not feel as though it would be a good fit for me. The second one I was really excited to interview for. I interviewed for a job coach position. This was a panel interview. It went really well, which is funny, because everyone was worried about me going into a panel interview, but it was so relaxed. Well, as relaxed as an interview can be. The same day that I was called for this interview another company called work and wanted to work with me. The man who spoke with them told them that I have a good thing going with company two, but that if that did not pan out that we would do the other. Tuesday I got a call to my personal phone from company three and on Wednesday I set up and interview with them for Friday. Right around that time, I ran into one of the people from the interview with company two and I asked when I should be hearing back about the job that I wanted so badly. She indicated that they were looking at me for another position rather than the one that I originally applied and interviewed for. A few hours later I got a call from company two offering a position with them. I went in this morning and checked out what I would be doing. It feels like it will be a good fit. I will be losing about ten hours a week and 25 cents an hour, so this summer will feel like I am on vacation. I still have my interview tomorrow morning with company three to check it out. We will see how it goes, but I have already started the paperwork for company two.
Five days later, I have had my interview with company three and it went well. It went so well in fact, that they said to give them two weeks and within five days wanted to offer me a position within their company. After a lot of thought over the weekend, knowing that this was undoubtably coming, I chose to turn company three down and take company two up on the offer.

Write-up

Back home my mother works in an after school tutoring program, which she loves. She has always loved tutoring. If you remember from one of my very first posts I talked about my mom being the Title 7 and Title 1 tutors at my middle school. Well, she has one student who has an excuse for everything. In remembering that I do the panel every semester she asked for me to write up a quick synopsis of what I tell people when on the panel. It is interesting to put it in written form. She said that yesterday she looked at this girl and told her about me and how I have had so many times that I could have given up and yet I haven't.
I have a nephew who is exhibiting the same signs of ADD that I have. In talking with my sister I mentioned that I do not expect for him to go one to get his Master's degree, however, I do hope that he can look at me and say that if she could do it I can too. That is my hope. i hope that I can be a guiding influence for many children in the future who feel like they can not make it. Instead if allowing myself to be a statistic of high school drop outs, I became a statistic of college graduates with a disability.
I was talking with a man from my class today and he asked how I was holding up this week. I told him that I am going to finish off this smester as strong as I started it. That is all that I can do. I received my officaial denial letter in the mail this week. It was disheartening, but because I knew that it was coming I was able to shrug it off. He said that he can see me in several years giving a speach to youth or young adults about the importance of not giving up. He said that he can see me standing up there and saying something to the effect of "I put so much effort into my undergraduate degree, I spent eight years getting to that point, and when I went to apply for my graduate program, I could not even get in. Never fear though, perseverence is the key...." I'd love that. I would actually really like to do insperational speaking assignments. I think that it could be really fun.

Zombie

The day after I found out that I was not accepted I was pretty much done crying, it was just a matter of trying to get myself back on the work horse. I had a job interview, and I think that it went really well. Well, then it was time to go to work. I can honestly say that for the first time in my working life I wanted to stay on the bus and turn around and go home. I went into work looking like a walking zombie. Everyone wanted to talk to me and I was not feeling it. Gratefully my boss let those who needed to know know so that I did not have to.
One of the guys at work took the same test and did markedly better on it than I did and for the last few months has been asking why I did not have him help me, etc. Well, he started gong off on Friday about the whole thing again, and I just looked at him and said that I did not want to talk about it. He kept going on and on and on. Finally I looked at him and said that I did not get into the program, so just go away. He tried to apologize and I just told him to go away. I could not handle it. It was just so frustrating.
I am trying to figure out what to do with my life now. I have some ideas and thoughts, but I am not sure exactly what I am going to do.

Regroup

It is time to regroup and reapply... in two months.
Yes, that is right I did not get into the program that I so desperately wanted to get into. It has been a hard day the rest of the day after I found out. I had my one class tonight... the one that is taught by the head of the Rehab department. I wanted to go because I like it, but I did not want to go at the same time. I did wind up going because.. well.... because I have a good work ethic and I hate missing class. I was talking with a class mate and he suggested that I retest and try to get in again again. Well, I think that is what I am going to do.
In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow morning.

The Gift of Dyslexia

I was talking with a coworker today about a book that came through the store that I wanted. It was titled "The Gift of Dyslexia." I was intrigued. I don't exactly think of it as a gift, some days I even think of it as more of a curse than anything. He then looked at me and hesitantly asked if I had at some point said that I was Dyslexic. I didn't know he actually listened to things that came out of my mouth. We talked for a minute and then I mentioned that I am graduating with an over all GPA of 2.5 and a last 60 credits of 3.15, oh yeah, and the plan is to get my Master's. Why do I always do that? I scare people away. I am more than my Dyslexia. My Dyslexia is not what defines me, and yet far too often I allow it to. I am a woman, I am smart, I am strong, I am determined, I have a faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I am a friend, and yet what comes out all too often? I am Dyslexic and I am succeeding. I push people away because the fist thing that they learn about me is "Hi, I am Jamie, I am Dyslexic and determined. You had better not get in my way." It is interesting because on the one hand it has not defined me because many people with a learning disability do not continue on to get a higher education, and yet I have pushed through. I have not allowed my diagnosis to tell me what I can or cannot do. On the other hand, I have let it drive me and let it help me prove that I can do something with myself. Somehow I need to find a happy medium. Yes, I am determined and yes, I have allowed my diagnosis to propel me in life until this point, however I need to stop scaring people away by making that the first and only thing that they know about me.

Decision Time

This week brings the first round of decisions as it relates to my future. This week, the board sits to decide if they want for me to sit for an interview for admittance into the Master's program. A friend of mine said that half of life is a back up plan. Well, this time I don't have a true back-up plan. I have thought about making a pit stop to Salt Lake City and moving there for a little bit. There are more job opportunities down there than there are up here. I hope that I do not have to make that choice, however. I have had so many great growing opportunities of late. So many people feel that I would do well in this field, and that I will get in. I just wish that I had that same feeling. I hope that I will get in. This is the only school that I applied to. I just pray that I make it past the first round.

Growl

I seamed to have worked myself into having a headache which was wanting to turn into a migraine. They hurt so bad and I down play them. There are some who understand the pain of a migraine, and others who do not. This morning as one of the boss' walked by they asked how I was. I replied that besides a headache and stress I was doing great. Truth is, I was in a lot of pain. Not just some, not a little, a lot. I tried everything that I could think of to get rid of it. As I stood in the hall trying to bush on the nerve in my hand that is supposed to relieve headaches the same boss walked by and I think that is when he realized how much pain I was in again. I then took two Aleve, ate my lunch on break, and drank a caffeinated soda (which I do not do very often). Finally it broke about the time that I went to lunch.

Stress Management Plan

Last week I was *this close* to asking my boss if we could cut down on my work hours. It was after that that I realized that perhaps I just needed to implement a Stress Management Plan. I found some really good articles about stress management and came up with a list of things that I can do to help with my stress level.
1) Read at least one chapter in the scriptures daily
2) Pray every morning and night
3) Update blog or write in journal at least three times per week
4) Exercise three days a week
5) Attend the temple once a week
6) Study 45 minutes a day six days a week
7) Attend ward activities
8) Attend Family Home Evening and Ward Prayer
9) Find things to laugh at daily
10) Write five things to be grateful for every day

Good morning Dyslexia

This morning as I walked into the break room at work, I noticed a drawing on the white board, and a sentence next to it. The sentence read: "This world is full of epic failure. You are one of them?" I stood there for a moment trying to reason what this sentence might be saying. It was at the peak of my confusion that a coworker and friend reread the sentence to me. "This world is full of epic failure. Are you one of them?" It then made much more since. I turned and greeted my Dyslexia. Some days that is all that I can do. Greet it and recognize that it is there to wreak havoc in my life for that day. There are days that are worse than others. Today was one of them.
Later, another coworker then asked how to spell humanitarian. I jokingly got on her for asking the Dyslexic how to spell. She said that since I was in college, I am clearly smarter. Not true I told her, I just made education my first priority.

Joy

Today I witnessed something really neat. I saw 30+ coworkers and some supervisors all signing Happy Birthday to our Deaf co-worker. Every Friday at work we celebrate the birthdays that are in the coming week. This Sunday is his birthday. The Supervisor asked him to come to the front of the group and said that he would just have to know that we are singing to him. His interpreter had the idea to have me stand in front with her and we would lead the group in signing to him. It was really neat and many people commented how neat they thought that it was. Another coworker who is deaf, but does not sign even commented on how neat she thought it was. I have gotten a lot of practice over the last few days as I have helped out as an interpreter when his interpreter has been unavailable for applying for other work. Side note, we are encouraged to find another job while working there. It has been a fascinating week, and I have felt very fulfilled the days that I come home after helping out. I love the language and I love helping out. I have thought about going and getting my interpreters license, but I do not know if I could do it all day every day.

Monotone

Due to my Dyslexia I have a hard time reading, but you already knew that. Because of this, I am able to have my textbooks put in mp3 format which is great. Unfortunately, I get to listen to my computer talk at me for two hours each chapter in a very computerized voice. Generally I can handle it for just a limited time. The other day I made a comment about wishing that I could read. Let me enter a caveat here, I CAN read, it just takes me forever. A friend was over visiting and said that I should just go to a literacy camp. I was not happy about that comment. Just a year ago, that would have been funny, however, for some reason that is not funny anymore.

Email

The letter that I wrote several weeks ago to a dear friend grew it's own legs and I wrote a note directly to the former friend. I told him how much he meant to me over time and how much I still think about him. I have not heared back from him. This was my last effort to regain a relationship with him. I do miss him. I do care about him. As a sister told me, stop being the ex that won't go away. When you think about him, send happy thoughts his way. This is exactly what I am wanting to do. I can not keep living in the past. It is not healthy and I know it. I told my boss that I sent this email, and he said that I had to give him two weeks to respond. If I know this young man as I think that I know him, if it has not come yet, it is not coming. Quite frankly, I am ok even if a response does not come. I finally told him what I needed to tell him. Thank you everyone who has been supportive for me over the years though.

Letters

As of yesterday all of my letters of recommendation have been submitted for Graduate School. It has been an interesting road to getting all of them submitted. When I submitted my Graduate School application a few weeks ago I felt good about who I was having write my letters of recommendation for me. Two of the three were submitted quickly and I began worrying about the third. As I checked back it still was not there. I emailed the person whom I had asked and previously had agreed to write it asking if they had received the email explaining how to submit it and did not hear back. I then realized that perhaps it was time to ask someone else. I emailed another professor that night, by the next morning he had agreed to it. That day I called the graduate school office and got everything changed. Through the day we conversed via email and by the next day my last letter had been submitted. I am so grateful to everyone who agreed to write these letters on my behalf.

Projects

I mentioned a while back that I am working on photo portfolios for each of the guys that I work with. One of them is nearing completion and I am so excited about that. I can not wait for both of them to be finished. I am nearing the end of my hours. Things are coming along so much better now and we have a lot of the kinks worked out. In fact, many of the supervisors have noticed that I am apparently do such a good job that one of them has asked me to help with one of the people on her team. The same day that I learned this, I also learned that when my internship hours are completed they will be keeping me in the same position until I find another job.

Heated

Tuesday found me in the midst of a very heated conversation-if you wish to call it that. Without rehashing out the entire story, in the midst of events I was called lazy. If you call me anything, DO NOT call me lazy. I have fought that stigma my entire life, I do not need for it to follow me into my career too. Because I failed every class in school I was labeled as the lazy kid. The kid that never did their work. The one Luthy that would probably never go anywhere in life. Guess what?! I have gone somewhere with my life. This May I will once and for all show that I have done something with myself. I have pulled myself up by my own bootstraps and will be a college graduate. Oh yeah, and will be the first one to get my Master's degree.

Projects

At work I have been working as an intern in the position as a Team Lead for about three weeks now. I seam to be involving myself in new projects all of the time. The most recent one I am really excited about. I am taking the work skills of each of my team members and making a portfolio for them using pictures. So what will essentially happen is that I will take a list of skills that they have which each of them and I have come up with and take a picture with them using each of these skills. I am actually really excited for each of them to turn out. I think that it will be good so that they can go into potential job interviews or networking situations and be confident in being able to say just what they can do. Oh boy, I hope that it comes out well and that they each like what I do.

A light

Last night when reviewing the schedule for today, I realized that there were many holes that needed to be filled because if they were not, one of my guys would get really frustrated. We had a really good day, minus a few glitches. It has been nice though, because over the last few days each of the Supervisors which I interact with regularly have told me independantly of each other how well things seam to be going. It has been nice because I get frustrated and they can see that, but correct me without saying that they are correcting me. Because I fixed the schedule today went about as smoothly as can be expected. There were a few bumps in the road, but all in all, today was nice. There are days like today when I feel that we are making great strides.
Each of them are so unique and over time I am learning each of their personalities. One likes to talk a lot and has a lot of immaginary friends. He asks a lot of questions that one might seam strange, like "What would you do if you woke up and there was a lion out your window?" He also says strange things like "Did you know the Mayor of Omaha is playing footies with the Govonor?" I am sure that to him they make a lot of since. I have to admit, they generally bug me, but today I tried really hard to not let it get to me. The other one, I am learning is very literal. I forget what I said, but it was meant as a joke and when he did not laugh, it dawned at me that he is very literal. Now that I know that, I think that it will be very helpful information.

Patience is not a virtue that I posses easily

Over the last two weeks I have begun to gain a greater since of appreciation for those whom patience comes with ease, because it does not come easily to me. Over the last two weeks I feel that my threshold for patience has increased exponentially, and yet it still has so far to go until I will be satisfied. As if I will ever really be satisfied.
I am now the team lead for two gentleman with special needs and I love them both dearly. Over the last two weeks I have had some great growing experiences as we have all learned to work together and give and take. After a week of fighting with one in particular, Tuesday brought a light hearted day while still working extra hard. It was a great day, and I got to see a fun side of each of the guys, and they in turn got to see a fun side of me. It is frustrating for all of us because we are all trying to figure each other out. After a week of bliss and having them both stay on task, not back talk, and not needing to get supervisors involved, it all came crashing down today when my patience was tested all through the day.
As part of my job duties I have been putting together a schedule of things that need to be completed at certain intervals throughout the day. I took a schedule which had previously been but together and revamped it. I think it looks pretty cool, but still needs a lot of help. It has defiantly been quite a project. I have learned so many things, like neither of them can be given multiple things to keep track of, so giving them instructions such as first do this, then do this does not work very well.

Deviation

I want to deviate from the norm the of the postings here to pay tribute to a past relationship. There is a man who was once in my life for about eight years. Three and a half years ago we went from really good friends to being in a serious relationship. Three years ago this month the man whom I loved and thought that I would marry ended this wonderful relationship. We tried for a year and a half after that to keep some kind of relationship together, after all, loosing a friendship of that proportion would be devistating. We tried for a year and a half to remain friends, in which time I moved two states away. At one point I finally just had to pull the plug. I did, I removed his number, email and every other way that I had to contact this wonderful young man whom I loved so dearly. Why? Because my heart ached every time that we finished a conversation. Each time that we talked I did not want for it to end, and when it did I ached the rest of the day. Time went by and I saw him a year later. It was great to see him. Yes, I still felt joy at seeing him and yes, in a small extent my life still ached, but not nearly like it did a year prior. I was then ready to open myself up once again to talking with him. I tried twice to rekindle this friendship, to which he is not ready. Did it hurt? You bet.
Dear friend,
I am so greatful that I was blessed to have you in my life for the time that I did. Do I still love you? Yes. Do I still ache for you? Yes. I think about you frequently and hope that you are doing well. I think about the many things that we did together over the years and the smiles and laughter that we shared. I think about how I still don't really know what happened and how I wish I did so that I don't do it again. I think about what we each would have to give up if we wanted for a relationship to work. I want for you to know that I think about the many smiles that we shared and how much it pains me that I can not talk to someone that I used to be able to talk about everything with before we dated. In closing, dear friend, I still love you. I still ache for you, it is true. I may sound strong, but I am still so weak. You are the one relationship that I have lost and truly wish could have been saved. Do I think/ wish/ hope that we will get back together some day? Not exactly. But I do think/ wish/ hope that some day we can be friends again.
Missing you,
Me

Also, this is the song I think of when I think of what I am missing.
What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

What Hurts The Most lyrics
Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

Over Achiever

I started class this week. It is all kind of exciting in two fold. In the first since, I get to take one of the classes for my potential program as an undergraduate, which, let's face it, not many people do. The other part of the equation is that I am now working in my internship which gives me 9 credits towards graduation with my undergraduate degree, the last nine credits that I need. This is a great opportunity because I get to work as closely as I can without actually having graduated with my MRC (Masters of Rehabilitation Counseling) and as such have also not passed the CRC (Certified Rehabilitation Counseling) test. This opportunity is really an eye opening experience. I am learning so much about myself and how I work best with others. When in class on the first day, the instructor asked if she knew me. I said not yet, but that I was her undergrad. She then called me an over achiever. When I said that I was not yet in the program, but trying to for summer. One of the girls in class said that if I was already in there I should have no problem getting in, after all, I am an over achiever. What they all fail to recognize is that I do worry because of my MAT score. I did retake it, and my score was much better than the first time. The first time I scored in the 20th%, the second time around I got in the 34%, still I need to be in 40% to be pretty much guaranteed. I spoke with my professor the other evening (she happens to be the head of the department) and she said that she will sit on the panel that decides my fate, but that she is only one person. Yes, that is true, but she is also one very influential person. We shall see how everything plays out.