Job

I found a job posting today that is just exactly right up my ally. Besides missing a few of the qualities that they wanted, I thought that I would give it a shot and send them an email outlining what I can bring to the company with my awesome resume attached. I hope that I get a call back. Keep me in your prayers!

An octopus and a porcupine

In any given relationship I have about a three month window (give or take, but mostly spot on) before I push people away. Few relationships have stood the test of time, and for those who have stood by me I am very grateful. I can not pin down a time or a reason for this, but it happens and it is quite annoying. At about two months I suck whomever it is in very close like one might imagine an octopus doing, and then, at just about three months as if some one flipped a switch I push whomever it is away. I very nearly lost a good friend about a year ago because of my magical ability to transform into a porcupine. It is as if I realize or rather rationalize that I am suffocating whomever it is, and they probably do not like that and so I introduce the other approach and push them away. It was not until last year that my doctor and I really put two and two together and realized that I have anxiety. It is hard. Very hard. I know that it has to be hard on those that care about me, but it is also very hard on me. Last night, as I was contumplating a friendship that I have, I began to feel my chest tightening, my breathing getting harder and tears about to come. This was the moment when I realized that the inevitable cycle was about to rear its ugly little head. It took somewhere between 30 to 60 minutes for me to calm myself down. It is a very eye opening experience for me. I finally recognized what was happening, as it was happening. I do not explain to very many people what happens. Usually I wait until I have already blown things rediculously out of proportion and the person does not want to deal with me, and many times it is too late to resussitate a relationship that given normal circumstances could have blossomed into a beautiful relationship. The jury is out as to if I will tell the friend that this was happening over about it or not. Perhaps I will wait it out and work on my own, hoping that I can circumvent this ever present problem. The other part of me wants to make them know, so that when I do turn into a porcupine they do not feel blind sided. Certainly something to think about.
PS. I did chose to tell them. It seams to be easier to tell people the more I say it. It was not the ideal place or time, but I made it known. At least now they know before it becomes an issue rather than after.

Public recognition

I am not one to seek out public recognition, but I do like personal recognition with the best of them. Today in our team meeting we were discussing being on time, working hard and dedication. My boss then mentioned the night that I worked a full shift while ridiculously sick and how impressed he was with that. He said that if someone were to call him asking for a refrence he would hapily tell them that I have dedicaiton and then brag as much as they would listin. I thought that was cool that he mentioned that.

Selling oneself short

Yesterday in a meeting with my boss and three other people we were reviewing my resume and my profile on an employment search engine. All four of the other people involved in the meeting told me that I was selling myself short. Each of them told me that I need to redo my resume and profile. I grumbled about it, but ultimately redid my resume. I am so excited about the new one. I sound AMAZING now. I would want to hire me. I am so excited to show them the newer markedly better version of myself.

Help

On a consistant basis I toss shoes around and into large bags, then stack the bags, cyran wrap them then put a wire around it. Yes, I am constatnly lifting and throwing around a lot of weight. In an effort to help save my neck and head my boss noticed that I was about to tie off one of the bags and told me not to lift the bag by myself. I placed my hands on my hips and said that I could do it. "Ok," he said "but I am just trying to save you." By the time that I looked away and then looked back he had moved the bag for me. Yup, that is the kind of boss that I work with.

Translating

Every Friday we have a whole store meeting, which some times admittedly is fun. As previously mentioned I work with a deaf gentleman and his translator was late (again) to which my coworkers asked if I could translate for him. Needless to say, I was relieved when she showed. Following the meeting the gentleman, his translator and I were talking and I was signing and talking simultaneously which lead to her asking how long I have signed and how many semesters I have taken. She then said that she would not be there next Friday, and asked if I would translate for her, then asked him if that would be OK. Yup, I am translating next Friday and am scared to death.

Pen, Ink, Computer

As previously mentioned I have a pen that does everything except for brush my teeth. In fact, you can find it at http://www.livescribe.com/en-us/smartpen/pulse/ it is most amazing. It does use a battery which is charged by plugging it into the wall or computer. Because it is used to record test as well as audio, the battery life can get me through about a week of school, and then I sometimes forget to charge it. Yikes. Thus was the case this last week. Also, I use this pen virtually exclusively and so with the battery dead and then the ink ran out this week I was at a loss. A tornado came through my room which came about specifically because not only did my battery run out, but so did my ink and I was unable to locate the refills. My poor roommate. I am never home to complete the cleaning of my room. I have since bought refills and plugged my pen in so that it is ready to go for this week. As if it were not bad enough that my pen died this week so did my computer battery and I have been home so scarely this week that finding time to plug it in has been near impossible. I finally have my computer all charged so all electronics are good to go for the week... provided my ipod does not die this week.

The Knot(s)

I constantly live with knots in my neck and shoulders. I asked my roommate to try and work out a particular knot, to which she did and in the mean time found another really huge one that I was unaware was there. I am not really sure how I did not know that it was there, but I did not. I do now however. All night at work I was very much aware that it was there. Perhaps I ought to put into place some of the strategies that I was taught by the physical therapist the other day.

Surprise

Following a brief conversation with a coworker earlier this week, she had said that our boss had told her that he was moving me over permanently over to work on the two area which I have been working on recently and have fallen madly in love with. I thought that would be cool, but those are her areas and I did not put too much stock into it. Today, when I looked at the new schedule, I came to the realization that I am indeed being moved to the two areas which I love. I got a ridiculously giddy grin on my face and then turned around to ask me boss why he did not tell me that he was moving me to a different area. Then he said that I had told him I would miss working in those two areas and that he listens some times. Ironically, the other day I wanted to work in one of the two areas and held a halo above my head with a cheesy grin and then she said no. To which I laughingly said that he never sees the halo. He replied that he sees it. he just sometimes chooses to ignore it. I am so ridiculously happy that I am on the schedule working the hours that I want to work and in the areas that I want to be working. I am very excited for the new schedule to go into effect next week.

PT, but not that kind

With a refferall from my doctor I trapsed my way over to the Physical Therepy room on campus the other day and set up an appointment to begin physical therepy for my constant headaches that tend to turn into migraines. What a pain in the neck... all pun intended. Unfortinatly due to the fact that they are caused from stress and massive amounts of lifting at work there is not much that they Physical Theripist can do. He did however give me some streaches and I have a a followup meeting with him next week.
I went to work the next day and soon after starting my shift I ran up to the wall and preformed one of my streches to prevent an oncoming headache from becoming worse. My boss gave me an inquzitive look, to which I yelled across "It's stress headaches!"

An hour, yes, an hour.

Another one of my goals that my boss and I set this week was for me to visit my physician and try to figure out was is causing my migraines/nearly everyday headaches that no one hears about. while discussing this with my boss, I mentioned breafly that I have seven disabilities and that everyone has to go through an acceptance cycle. Much like the acceptance cycle of the death of a loved one, there is one for disabilities. If you really look at it, it really is as though there is the death of a loved one. There are losses of a clear head, innocense, limited pain, excetra. I found the following online when I went looking for a visual of if grief cycle. I feel that it does a great job describing what happens and saves me typing time. This article came from http://thechp.syr.edu/GRIEF_CYCLE.rtf

THE GRIEF CYCLE
Emotional Stages for People with Disabilities

Grief gains momentum anytime the reality of disability affects one's life, rather it is having access to people, places and events, or the ability to make choices. Each disappointment and loss triggers the feelings associated with earlier losses and disappointments. Each instance may revive the sadness, frustration, helplessness, and anger associated with being disabled.


1. SHOCK AND DESPAIR:

The onset of a disability may cause shock as it changes the dreams, goals and expectations that had been taken for granted.

Despair is usually about the losses related to our person--the Self. It is about what we are without, e.g. a particular ability or image (Kierkeggard).

There can be despair over external realities related to barriers of access and discrimination in seeking employment, medical care, or social inclusion.


2. ANGER:

Sources of anger in the grief cycle, These are normal and must be expressed in order to move through them. These are not to be confused with the issues of anger related to empowerment, equality and justice.

Anger at the disability .

Anger at ourselves (did we cause it? do we deserve it? The "why" questions).

Anger at doctors, nurses, spouse, parents, children (they may deny our limitations or pain).

We may see our anger as being unforgivable (further lowering our self esteem).

We may feel overwhelmed by helplessness.

The gaps between our idealized self-image and our actual selves are exposed, shattering illusions.



"Self-esteem reflects the congruity or the incongruity...between the ideal self we aspire to be and the actual self we experience in reality. When we have come to accept our limitations and our capabilities, when our ideal selves are in reasonable harmony, our self-regard is likely to be secure and resilient. It can absorb some of the bruises"

We feel inadequate, to blame, guilty, and hostile.

It is important to help people express their anger with God and eventually to forgive God. This enables people to develop a stronger relationship with God and to live out of a deep faith which provides strength to face what is so painful now.

3. BARGAINING:

Bargaining is an attempt to return to "normal". This is part of a stage of denial. People cannot move through this until they have enough ego strength to face into their inner pain.

4. DEPRESSION:

Depression is a normal response to any situation of loss and grieving. Some depressions require more medical intervention than others....
Depression related to disability is a reaction to:

Loss of perceived images and abilities of self.

Loss of image of what it means to be an upwardly mobile family.

Loss of expected or hoped for dreams.

Loss of abilities once had or wished for.

Loss of or impaired health.

Pain that is not controlled.

Inability to fix or change the disability.

Guilt: feeling to blame for the disability.


Depression is an expected response to significant disappointment and loss, even the loss of dreams. Depression is marked by helplessness and a loss of self-esteem, outward signs of the inner fear or reality of the disability. Depression usually enfolds a faltering self-image.


5. ACCEPTANCE:

This does not mean "liking" one's disability, but rather it means learning to live with it rather than suffering from it.

Letting go of the false ideals of power and perfection.

No longer turning critical judgments from others into harsh self-judgments (letting go of the tyranny of the "should's".

Recognizing anger and finding appropriate expressions of it in safe places. Learning how anger can be creative and putting it to work for us, rather than against us.

Seeking self-forgiveness; forgiving God and others, so that we eliminate guilt and disappointment.

Letting go of lost or shattered dreams, reconciling oneself to the reality of disability.

Accepting that which cannot be changed, while looking for modifications for those things which can be changed, e.g. problem-solving can change many things so that we are not left helpless.



Remember that people with disabilities, parents, other family members, and care givers, are each in a different stage of the grief cycle and may not be able to communicate where they are. They may not even know where they are, much less why.

Being courageous in the face of adversity does not serve anyone well. When we postpone grief it will erupt in other ways, perhaps as a global anger and bitterness. It will affect our mind, thus causing biological changes in our bodies until we are physically ill. If we avoid dealing with grief, we succeed only in drawing our emotional energy away from our family and friends. We become distant and detached, further isolating ourselves, thus further contributing to grief and anger.

The grief cycle is part of our growth. It is part of the journey to God. It is not to be avoided, nor is it to merely be endured. It is to be entered into; we have to walk through it in order to move beyond it.

Trying to explane all of this to someone who does not have a disability can be a chalange all its own, or even someone who is still trying to pass. I could not remember all of the steps, but I could remember some and so I drew a visual, and said that I was somewhere between acceptance and moving one. He then said that the ultimate goal should be to not have to have my boss' and co-workers know that I have a problem. Ok, yes that may be true and there are laws to protect those with disabilities (ADA) however, I have already spent the majority of my life passing, I do not want to do that again.

In an effort to "fix" whatever is causing my headaches and migraines I had a short conversation with my sister about migraines and decided that perhaps getting a massage would be a good plan. I scheduled an hour massage (which felt great). Following a brief discussion with the massage therapist we chose to focus much of the hour on head/neck/shoulder pain. It felt great, and I wish that I could say that all of the pain is gone and that problem is taken care of, however that is simply wishful thinking. I fear that I may need to continue to meet with a massage therapist as well as other possible interventions which will be discussed with my physician this coming week when I meet with her.

First week of school

We have just ended the first week of school here at the University that I attend, and I just completed the first week of my Senior year. I have mixed feelings about it. I have been in school forever and have been working on my undergraduate degree for the better part of eight years. To think that I am this close to compleating another one of my goals makes me giddy, and then I think about the fact that I still have two more years once I finish this year to get my Master's degree. Some times I hope it never ends, because well, who really wants to grow up? Can I live in Never never land... Please? On Tuesday I walked into one of my classes and as soon as the teacher began lecturing I thought to myself, "Oh, this is so not happening" and freated about how I was going to drop the class and still be able to graduate next May as planned. I then remembered that several weeks back as I went to an employment agency and discussed my skills, we had talked about me praying about taking a third semester of American Sign Language. I put it off to the back of my brain because I am doing a Bachlors of Science rather than one of Arts, and so I do not need the language, and becides, the class was full, so why freat about it. As I went to drop this particular class I decided to check one last time to see if by some miracle there was a spot in the class (there are a total of seven seats in the class, so it is really small). As it turned out, there was one spot that opened up and a snatched it right up. As it turns out, I had to drop another course inorder to pick up this new class, taking me down a total of six credit hours rather than the original three. ASL is a four credit course and so I am still fill time, thank heavens. I also signed up to be a mentor for an at-risk youth. I am very excited to start this. There are many perks to this, but the main one, and the one that swayed me, is that I want to be for a youth what I wish that I had more of growing up. Some of the other perks are that it will count as two credit hours (thus making up for the lost hours by droping the two classes) as well as counting as my practicum for graduation. All in all, I feel really good about this semester. I feel blessed that I was able to get into this class. I know that God lives and loves me, his daughter. He answers prayers and prompts us to do things that will bless out lives and those around us. As it turns out, I work with a deaf gentleman, as well as a young woman who is studying Deaf Education and so I am able to get some practice in at work which is yet another blessing. I love the language, I feel that it is one of the most beautiful. I find myself being able to think of words in sign frequently before I am able to think of the spoken English cohort.

Word processor

I just bought this week (and recieved in the mail) a word processor for my Mac. Clearly I love my mac more than my PC. Why do I say this? Simple, I bought a word processor for my Mac and never did for my PC. I suppose that it will take a while for me to adjust to pages, numbers, and keynote rather that PowerPoint, Excel and Word. I am looking forward to figuring them out and working with them this school year.

Slap... on the back of the head

I think that everyone has days where they do not think that they are the most attractive thing on the planet, well this is not 'just days' in my world, this has been the story of my life. The other day when at work a coworker and I got to talking about dating and life in general. He said that he wanted to introduce me to his brother and we bantered back and forth about it for quite a while. Then he said that he could not introduce us because it would be love at first sight and he could not deal with that, to which he grinned. The next day the conversation continued, and then when someone that we do not work directly with came to ask a question after he left my immediate co-worker said that he wanted to set me up with the other kid. "Whatever" was my reply. I have never been one to look in the mirror and say "Oh yeah, I am hot." Or "Dang, I am so cute today and every other day." My morning routine goes more like this "Dang, I am breaking out so badly on my chin, and look at that mammoth zit on my temples" and "my cheeks are so red, look at that, gross." Then depending on the morning I may put some make-up on to mask some of it. We continued to talk and I made some sort of disparaging remark about myself and all of a sudden there was a slap on the back of my head in Gibbs from NCIS fashion.

The following song is one that my mother loves to attribute to me, and from the girl who is depicted in the lyrics it rings true to me.

She Don't Know She's Beautiful by Kenny Chesney

We go out to a party somewhere
The moment we walk in the door
People stop and everybody stares
She don't know what they're staring for

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her so

There she goes just walking down the street
And someone lets a whistle out
A girl like her she just can't see
What the fuss is all about
And she don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her so

Mornin' comes and her hairs all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she dont know why
I can't take my eyes off her

And she don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

Turns out

So, as it turns out, telling your boss that they are grumpy does not earn brownie points. This week was an interesting week. I started school, and begun a new work schedule, to which I am not sure I like, but I do like having a job and I enjoy my co-workers, so I guess that is two-thirds of the battle. Early on in the week the boss was not feeling well, and interaction with him was sketchy at best. By the next time we worked together he was back to his jolly self and I smilingly told him that he was back to his pilly little self and he grinned. This is the type of relationship that we have, and it is great. Later in the day he asked me to do something to which I did not understand the purpose of and gave him a strange look. He then said something serious and 180 degreed different from his up beat personality. A few minutes later, as he walked by my station I said to him, "What, we can't decide weather we are happy or grumpy today? To say that that did not go over well would be an understatement. Oops.

causes and effect

So, I am actually writing this on Sunday, September 6 rather than Wednesday.
I had a meeting with my boss this week, as I do every week. I actually quite enjoy these meetings. We discuss goals for the coming week and how I am coming along with the goals that I had set for the week before. Every two weeks he shows us each our percentage of on-time clock ins and percentage of time missed, that kind of information. So far, I have not missed any days, and stayed with a migraine, which got my mega brownie points. When we sat and discussed my numbers, it was revealed that I am late almost every day by one to two minutes coming back from lunch. Turns out, my phone and the work clock differ by two minutes. Kind of annoying by anyones standards. Also, after doing some calculations we came to the realization that some of the reason for such low numbers, is that in my first week I had a Drs appointment that I had to be at to discuss my need to eat foods besides chicken, because we all know how much I love the stuff. He did however say that working through my migraine gave him much confidence because not only did I stay, but I worked at the preferred speed (don't ask me how I managed that because I have no clue). However, my lack of on time punches brings it down a touch. We are shooting for two full pay periods of on-time punches. I have fixed my clock and hopefully that corrects the problem. I believe that the four remaining punches for the week were on time. We are looking towards getting me either a business partnership or another job all together sometime mid November. He said that with as much as I ma on task and accept whatever he throws at me and my willingness to work through whatever, if I get my on-time punches up he will feel confident giving a good recommendation, which makes me happy. I hope that I can continue to work to his standards so that I can use him as a reference.