One of a kind

I live in Utah, which is a unique state all its own, that said, one thing cool about it is that fireworks are legal on another day besides July 4th. Yup, July 24th. It is a state holiday. I joined a friend this evening for the fireworks. It crossed my mind how each of them are the same "species" and yet they are all unique. Some go higher than others. Some barely make it off the ground while others sore high and spread out. They are all beautiful in their own unique way. None are the same. Truly. They may be made with the same compounds and the desired outcome is X, but no two are the same. So it is with us humans. We are all the same species, yet some are born, receive a body and return to their maker, and some live a long time. Some feel like they just go through life and do not make much of a difference. One thing that I noticed this evening while watching the fireworks is that every one of them has a purpose and all of them add to the beautiful display that lights up the night sky and everyone can enjoy. How much different would the display have been if one of them had not been included? How different would life be without the influence that you or I have had on those around us? Just some food for thought.

The job

I have spent the last few months ever since I was let go of my previous job looking for a new one. I was repeatedly told by my roommate to go see a particular place that helps train and place people in employment. I kept refusing to go because I really wanted to do it on my own. I am stubborn that way. I eventually went over there and filled out the paperwork needed. That day I had in interview to see if they would take me on. The guy that did the interviewing said to give him a week and follow up if I did not hear from him. The next day he called and asked me to come in the next day to fill out some more paperwork, which I did. He then said that it could take up to 24 hours for that paperwork to clear. Within a few hours he had called me back and asked me to come in and start the following Monday.
I worked very hard the first week for six days straight. I am tired, sore and so glad to have a job in the intermittent until I can find another job which will be a good fit for me.
I took an aptitude test within my first few days. They said that communication and English were my best subjects, and science and math my worst. I could have told them that.

An Ode to Aspen

My dear 10 year old cousin Aspen passed away this last week. She was 10 years old and so happy and full of life. I do not know all of the details, however I do know that she got in a very bad accident about a year ago which tore her vocal cords and she has had several surgeries. Whomever you are, and wherever you may be, please hold a moment of silence for this wonderful young woman who returned to her maker.

I feel like a rabbit. But a very healthy rabbit.

I generally try to look at the good side of things, but the last four days have been very hard. It is as if everything that I love to eat has been taken away from me and now I am constantly surrounded by the food that I love, and I have to turn it down.
I went to the doctor Tuesday with several concerns, one of which being that no matter how much I tried to watch what I ate (mostly fruit, pasta and bread) I could not manage to lose weight. That might not sound like that big of a deal, but alas it is. You see, I am 5' nothing and 180 lb., there is no way on this green planet that I should be that heavy with trying to watch what I eat and going to the gym. Not only am I not loosing the weight, I am gaining weight. I have tried to keep a close eye on my blood sugar as my mother, uncle and cousin are diabetic. To say that it runs in the family is to say that brown eyes run in the family. I have now had my fasting blood sugar tested twice and everything has come back normal.... Tuesday that all changed. I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes (from eating all of those yummy carbs) as well as insulin and glucose intolerance. She quickly said that she wanted a blood work-up and referred me to the dietitian. To say that I took the news hard, is a massive understatement. I cried and cried. I got a headache from crying so much. All of the bread that I have loved my whole life, gone. I love to bake bread, yeah... can't do that much anymore. I know that they are helping to save my life and circumvent my getting diabetes, but it is so hard. I went to the store and got all kinds of vegetables Tuesday. I looked at the fruit and had a moment of silence. The doctor said that I could have fish, to which I stuck out my tongue. Chicken, but I can only have so much (not because of a diagnosis, but because I can only have so much). Yesterday as I was pulling out the fixings for a salad, I thought out loud I feel like a rabbit. To which my roommate replied But a very healthy rabbit. I nearly bought a cantaloupe today. What stopped me? I cannot enjoy it anymore, not like I used to. Now I have to have protein with it.
Some days it feels like all of the disabilities that run in both sides of my family decided to come to me. Lucky me. It is as if instead of coming when I was born and giving them all to me at once, they came one at a time. It feels like, once I think I kind of understand one, another one comes. So far, this has been the hardest one for me to handle. I know that I will be healthier and feel better because with the medication that I will be going on shortly my body will be able to digest food properly. I had my gallbladder pulled on my 22nd birthday, I guess my body decided that causing havoc and my getting rid of that organ was not good enough.
I wonder what I am supposed to learn from this. I hope and pray that I will soon adjust to this new way of life, this new way of looking at food. I am sure that I will miss things like, stuffed pumpkin at Thanksgiving, oranges and apples, cheesecake... all of those foods that make my mouth water just thinking about them. I am four days in and already sick of looking at chicken. Wish me luck at a quick adjustment.

Front of the Class

A few years ago I discovered a Hallmark movie called Front of the Class. Essentially it portrays a man- Brad Cohen- who became a teacher. He also happens to have Tourettes. It is a tearjerker, feel good, disability awareness movie. You can find it on DVD, as well as it being a book. I highly recommend viewing this. I have not read the book, however, it if is half as good as the movie it should be quite excellent.

Migraines

Having had migraines since the age of 17, at 25 I am still grounded when I get one. It is as if an elephant is sitting on my head. I can not see anything, I can not do anything. My vision goes blurry, generally in my right eye. I get really light and sound sensitive. Sounds get amplified to a point that I am forced to seek shelter. Many times, I am forced to curl up on my bed, put a blanket over my head and wait it out. Gratefully, with a change in my lifestyle they seam to be more under control these days. Sometimes traveling causes a bit of a problem, however they seam to come less and less frequently.

Trust

To me, this word implies so very much. Compared to how many people enter my life, it always takes me a little while to trust (there is that word again) someone. I am a people person. Anyone that knows me can attest to that. I frequently share information with people that is not exactly, hey the weather is stifling today, but rather I like to get into conversations about politics, religion, finances... you know, all of those taboo topics when you first meet someone. Yet, even when sharing information I have a hard time letting people really get to know me. I have a hard time fully trusting people. As I have addressed my anxiety this has gotten better, but I still struggle every day.

Normality

You may have noticed that the title of my blog is Fighting Against the Norm, but that got me thinking today. Just what exactly is "the norm"? Is it when a teenager can sit quiet in class and not disturb the other students? Is it when Someone has 20/20 vision or perfect hearing? How about when they can walk without the aide of a Cain or wheelchair? Depending on your own personal circumstance, normality will be different than what I perceive as normal. In a family setting, to struggle with reading is normal, as opposed to in a school setting when having difficulty reading makes me cringe and want to hide.
I fully admit that there are days when I wish that I could just 'be normal.' I am a 25 year old near college graduate who knows better than to think that everyone is the same and I am the one that is off, and yet I still do it. I think that consciously or unconsciously we all wonder if we are normal or not. When I was five or six years old and in the first grade, I was completely ambidextrous. I had a teacher who could not understand how mid sentence I could switch from writing with my right hand to writing with my left. At one point, she told me that I needed to choose one hand or the other to write with. I chose my right because, well, because I wanted to be 'normal'.

Mourning

Everyone has to go through a mourning stage when they are diagnosed with a disability. You have to grieve and realize that you will not be the same.
When I was diagnosed with ADD the first time, I did not go through the grieving process. I never did accept it. If I did not accept it, then it was not true. WRONG! I have thought many times over and realized that at the time that I was diagnosed was when I was first being forced to deal with my Dyslexia and deal with teachers. Fight for my education and stand on my own two feet. This time around I have gone through the grieving process, and it went faster than expected.
With my OCD and anxiety I went through that process rather quickly as well. I embrace my qwerkyness and I know that in the whole scheme of things, having a little bit of a few things gives my charachter, makes me stronger as a person, forces me to let others help me, and it could always be worse. It did take me a little while to embrace it... like, a few days. I went online and found some research suggesting that exercise would help with my anxiety. That did it for me. I knew that I needed to start an exercise regimin.
Most will not go through the grieving process nearly as quickly as I have. For some reason I am able to worry for a few days and then roll with it.

The grass is not always greener

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I appeared on the panel for a former Professor she asked each of us if we would change having our disabilities. I immediatly said no. They are what makes me, me.
Admittedly, some days I wish that I did not feel like a druggy taking one thing for my anxiety, one for migraines and another for ADD. Some days I wish that I could say "Abra Cadabra" and have them all disappear. Then what? Then I could cary on a conversation that kept the same topic for more that two minutes. Then I might be able to contain myself from interupting a friend when they are trying to tell me something importaint. Then I could leave the house without worrying if I unplugged the hair straightner, blow dryer, turned off the stove, dryer, or locked the house. Then I could leave the house and not check everything five times before walking out the door. I could go outside and enjoy myself without needing to make sure that I have my sunglasses 'just in case' I get a migraine. I could feel free to read aloud-- or to myself and feel like I could do anything. Ah, what a great thought. As I write this I am picturing myself laying on a plush plot of greenness and having someone walk up to me and say, poof... sorry to burst your bubble, but that is not how this game works.
I would not be the person that I am today had I not been given these challanges in life. I really believe that. I have met some wonderful people in my life and been able to help people realize that just because you can not see a disability, does not mean that it does not exist.
What then, I go back to my beginning statement. No, I would not change having these disabilities. Sometimes, we need to accept that the grass is not always greener on the other side. The life that you are dealt is a gift and you can grow and learn from it.

Turn that frown upside-down

To some, it may be hard to understand that I am not bitter about the challanges that I have been given. I have a strong spiritual background and I know that I was given these disabilities for a reason. I believe that reason was to help me grow, and also so that I could help others. There is no use being bitter, you only make those around you not want to be around you. I am too much of a people person to be bitter and push people away. Life is too short to live and be grumpy. I would rather not be that crazy lady down the street who is always yelling at the kids and has 1000 cats because that is all that could stand to be around me. Becides, don't you know that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. So really, by frowning, all you are doing is giving your face a work-out and at the same time pushing people away.

Medication

I frequently think about how I went nearly six years without medication and waited until I was 25 to be recertified as ADD. Why did I take so long? Why did I decide to be recertified?
I always knew that I was ADD, ever since I was diagnossed at 12. That is to say that I knew intellectually, but not within my heart. I struggled for years and years with schooling. I had to re-take many classes over. I barely graduated High School. Sometimes I think that they must have taken pitty on me. I began college right out of High School and have gone straight through with a three semester break and will graduate at 26, so it has taken me about seven years from start to finish of my under graduate degree. For many years I thought that I could work through it. Finally, in one of my college classes we watched a video called F.A.T. City. This was a simulation of what people with learning disabilities go through. It was exactly me. It described everything that I felt. FInally it dawned on me that I could not go at it alone, I needed help focussing. It was sometime in November that I was tested, and they certified me with Attention Defficite Hyperactivity Disorder minus the Hyperactivity. I then chose to meet with a physition and remedicate. I am so glad that I did. My attention span is so much better and my grades show a marked improvement. The problem the first time around was that I did not want to see that it was helping, and I took it so spiradically that I could not see a difference. It was only after I opened my mind AND my heart, and talked with family members that I realized I needed help.
I spoke with family members about my concerns and one asked me why not. They pointed out that if it helped and I felt good about it, then do it. I hope to be able to go off of my medication at some point soon. Perhaps once I finish Graduate School. I learned this summer when I went off of them for about a month how much they helped. My dosage is not very high, but it is high enough that it helps a lot.

Reading... it is not all the same.

I get asked sometimes what it is like being Dyslexic. More specifically, what things look like to me verses what they look like to someone without a reading disability. This is a hard question to answer. I would love to be able to tell you exactly how it is different, unfortunatly, however, I can not. I can't because I do not know what it is like to be able to read normally. What I can tell you is that sometimes letters jump all over the page. Sometimes I have to look away or close my eyes for a little bit, and then I can see to read something. Sometimes, the words appear to be just right, but my mind does not process them, making me slow down and really focus. I know that it takes me twice as long as my piers to read anything. I know that when asked to read something to myself in a classroom setting I often do not because I know that I will just get frustrated when I am halfway through and the class starts discussing the passage. I know that it is embarising to be the person in class holding a lecture up because I can not manage to get the words down fast enough. I know that when traveling with my sister to Washington DC, while visiting Arlington we were visiting a memorial of Women in Combat and I would read only about half of what was written because I felt like I was taking too long. When I say that I can not explain it, it is not because I am being difficult. It is because I honestly, truly, have no idea how to explain it.

Accommodations

Again, I feel very lucky that I have parents that have stood by me through the year and have supported me every step of the way through from Elementary School through Junior College and now in the University setting. I could not ask for any better parents.
I would like to address something that I have a love/hate relationship with. Accommodations. Now, let me explain why I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love them. I love the help that I can get. I hate them because every time that I use them it reminds me that I have a disability.
In my circumstance, there are many opportunities that I could take advantage of that I do not. One of these is a note taker. This is where someone in your class gets paid by the school, not you, to take notes, copy them and get them to you. The Junior College that I attended used a special paper that you put another sheet under and it copies through. I am not sure if they had the writer hand it over to the student in need or had them take it somewhere and then have the the student in need pick it up. Where I am at now, again I do not know the exact process, but I do believe that the note taker takes the notes to the Disability Recourse Center and then they somehow get the notes to the student in need. I do not use this, and never have. I am not sure why I never have, but now that I have my pen that does everything but comb my hair and brush my teeth, I do not need to use it.
Many times you can rent an audio recorder for the semester from the school. This is great if you are afraid that you will miss something. When I first started college my recorder felt like a mini brick and I was always too embarrassed to use it. I felt like I was screaming "Look at me. I have a disability." The last recorder that I borrowed from the school was quite compact and I did not feel nearly as self cautious about it.
Text in another format. Each school should have the ability to put textbooks into alternative formats for you. I have mine put on audio, which is great. It is kind of annoying because it sounds a lot like I am listening to a computer talk (mostly because that is exactly what is happening). This is a great way to help me study. I can put the disk in and listen while I have the book on my lap and follow along. I have to admit, it is no boring that I do not generally force my roommates listen to it with me.
Extended time and quite rooms to take tests in. Next to my books on audio, this has got to be my favorite. I set things up with the Disability Resource Center and my instructors at the beginning of the semester and then whenever there is a test, I go take it in a separate room. Even if they do not have a separate room just for me, I am OK being away from the class. I feel I relax better if I am in a room with people taking different tests with different times lengths and starting at different times than me. There is where part of my anxiety lies, is with testing.
There are things that you can get yourself to help and not have to go through the school. One of my favorite (free) things is a downloadable program onto the computer that you can copy and paste papers into and it will read them back to you as written. The free version is the one that I use, and it defiantly sounds like a computer talking, but it is better than nothing. Apparently the version that you pay for is better, but I find that the free one serves its purpose well enough for me. Again, I find the computer voice annoying enough that I use it when I am fairly sure that my paper is close to being finished and is in need of the final touches. This program can be found at www.naturalreaders.com. Going along with that, if you are like me, typing is painfully slow and your spelling is awful. There is a program that takes voice to text. I have not tried this program, however I am told that it works really well. One thing to be aware of is that if you have a really thick accent it has a hard time picking that up. This program is called Dragon Naturally Speaking. This is for a PC. There is also a version for Mac called MacSpeach. Both of these programs run about $200 when I checked. I am thinking about getting the one for Mac, however as of this writing I have not. Windows Vista (and I am sure Windows 7) comes with a built in voice something rather. I am not exactly sure if it can take voice to text, but I do know that it can voice what is on the screen. I am quite computer illiterate so do not ask me where to find it or any specifics about it, sorry. I found it to be more hassle than I wanted to but for the effort for for my use, but some of you might find it to be useful.
For my Dyslexia there are some transparent sheets of different colors that you can use to place over text. I personally use the blue and green. They are the less strenuous on my eyes and seam to help lessen the glare. I mostly reserve them for home use, but could be used in the school or work place as well. These sheets can be very expensive, so a cheaper way to get around this is to go to your local store that carries office supplies and get the colored binder tabs that are colored and transparent. It is cheap, it you loose it it is not the end of the world, and you can use all of the different colors to see what works best for you.
Again, I love my Pulse Smart Pen by LiveScribe. I will not go into much detail about it because everything that you need to know can be found at www.livescribe.com including videos about it. Two things, you have to use specific paper with it that you can either order online or print straight from their website and two it is a little more on the expensive side. Given those two things, I willingly shelled out the initial cost, got a great deal and for what it does I think that it is well worth the cost. For an extra cost you can get a program that takes handwriting and transfers it into readable text. It can even read my chicken scratch and transcribe it with decent proficiency. I do not think that I can say too much about how I love this invention. I no longer feel like when people look at me I am screaming "Hi, look at me, I have a disability... or 5." Instead, I am the envy of people, once they realize the awesomeness that I hold in my hand.
If you are like me you can never remember how to write a proper Works Cited page and figuring out APA verses MLA formatting is a nightmare. Fret no more my friends. If you have not already found it, there is a great website called www.easybib.com On this site you can tell them what format you need your bibliography written in and insert pertinent information and they will email it to you in the format that you need it.
Each school of higher education will have Disability Resource Center, possibly by a different name. Also, each accommodation has its own requirements. Be sure to contact your specific school to find out about their programs, accommodations and requirements.