In any given relationship I have about a three month window (give or take, but mostly spot on) before I push people away. Few relationships have stood the test of time, and for those who have stood by me I am very grateful. I can not pin down a time or a reason for this, but it happens and it is quite annoying. At about two months I suck whomever it is in very close like one might imagine an octopus doing, and then, at just about three months as if some one flipped a switch I push whomever it is away. I very nearly lost a good friend about a year ago because of my magical ability to transform into a porcupine. It is as if I realize or rather rationalize that I am suffocating whomever it is, and they probably do not like that and so I introduce the other approach and push them away. It was not until last year that my doctor and I really put two and two together and realized that I have anxiety. It is hard. Very hard. I know that it has to be hard on those that care about me, but it is also very hard on me. Last night, as I was contumplating a friendship that I have, I began to feel my chest tightening, my breathing getting harder and tears about to come. This was the moment when I realized that the inevitable cycle was about to rear its ugly little head. It took somewhere between 30 to 60 minutes for me to calm myself down. It is a very eye opening experience for me. I finally recognized what was happening, as it was happening. I do not explain to very many people what happens. Usually I wait until I have already blown things rediculously out of proportion and the person does not want to deal with me, and many times it is too late to resussitate a relationship that given normal circumstances could have blossomed into a beautiful relationship. The jury is out as to if I will tell the friend that this was happening over about it or not. Perhaps I will wait it out and work on my own, hoping that I can circumvent this ever present problem. The other part of me wants to make them know, so that when I do turn into a porcupine they do not feel blind sided. Certainly something to think about.
PS. I did chose to tell them. It seams to be easier to tell people the more I say it. It was not the ideal place or time, but I made it known. At least now they know before it becomes an issue rather than after.
2 comments:
Jaime, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate reading your blogs about the things that are going on in your life and how you overcome them. It makes you a very strong person, at least in my book. The raw honesty helps me to want to be more open about the issues that I have as well. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Dydy, it is actually quite therapeutic for me.
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