Climb

2.02
3.25
3.06
2.48
The numbers above are very significant to me. They represent where I have come from academically and where I am now.
2.02, what I had when I received my Associate of Arts and transferred to a four year institution.
3.25, the GPA for the most recent term.
3.06 My over all GPA for the last two years.
2.48 This is my over all GPA for every class that I have ever taken. This makes me so proud.
The last few days I have been really stressed about how I was going to preform in the way of grades and GPA. This was a really stressful semester and I knew that I had to preform well. I tried all semester long to keep up and worked very hard. I was working 23 hours a week plus going to school full time. For most this would seam a bit overwhelming, for me however, I tend to preform better in school when working. Strange, I know. About half way through the semester a professor emailed me having noticed that I was in class every day and was performing poorly on each of the exams. They wanted to know what they could do to help and if grades just did not matter to me. I was relieved. I gave some detail of how stressed I seamed to be, and that although I did not want to have points thrown at me, I wanted to earn my grades, after all. He came up with a plan of how those in the class that wanted to earn some of their points back could and I was so appreciative. Another professor went to give me a test back on that I had not preformed well on and my heart sank. They could see the disappointment in my face and told me to meet them at their office, so which I did. We came up with another assignment that I could so which would (if I preformed the average of all of the previous test scores) bring me from a C to a B. I did both of those assignments. I also worried a lot about another class. This was my American Sign Language class. The final project held so much weight that I worried a bit about it. The thing is, two days before I was set to preform my final project, I changed it. I feel that I did better on the changed version than I would have had I stayed with the original plan. I guess it payed off because I did well enough in all of my classes to keep my GPA up. What a relief. Next step... working on my personal statement.
I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me individually and knows what my greatest desires are and what I need. I am grateful that he helped me work with my professors to help me succeed to the best of my abilities. I hope and pray that I can continue to recognize the miracles placed in my life every day. Those seemingly small things that add up and really are huge to me individually. I know that without my Father in Heaven I could not have succeeded this semester.

On my way...

As mentioned before, I don't drive. I was talking with my mom the other day about why I don't drive, and we (I) came to the conclusion that the reason I don't drive is not strictly my fault... but hers. Yup, Moms fault. You see, when I was younger and all of my siblings were learning to drive we lived on a dirt road that they had to drive on before they could drive on the streets. I did not get to drive on that road. Mom says that it is because when I was turning the age to drive we did not have a reliable car, so driving was not much of an option. When I was 16 we moved to the city, meaning that Mom did not want for me to drive on the busy streets.
I feel like there is need for a story to express what made me stop driving once I did convince my mom to let me learn.
One day we were driving along, it was July 4th when I was 20 and we were getting ready to take me to work. My mom did not want for me to drive into my work parking lot because it was not a very nice parking lot. We were driving around and Mom stopped paying attention to my driving and started giving directions. As she did she was saying to pull over onto another street and stop. I soon realized that we were in a cul-de-sac so I pulled around. Mom was still giving me some direction and started telling me to break. She continued break, break, break, that's.... not.... the.... break! As I pressed on the gas. We jumped a curb and landed on a boulder in someones front yard. Not only did we land on the boulder, but the force of the car moved it at least a foot. I was stressed really badly. I was in tears and worrying about how I was going to pay for the car and to fix these peoples front yard, etc. Four young men (according to Mom they were really cute but I did not notice) came over to see if they could see what happened to the car. The owner of the house came out and was really cool about the whole thing. Much more cool than I would have been. The wife then came home laughing. To me it was not that funny. I knew that I was going to be last for work, and so I called and explained that I had been in an accident but that I would be there as soon as I could since I knew that it was the 4th and one of the busiest days of the year. Gratefully they were really understanding and asked if I was ok. I said that physically I was ok, but emotionally I was not sure. The wife was great. She took me to work and they let my mom go inside the house while they waited for the tow-truck. It took the tow-truck driver four hours to move the car. I was really stressed about how I was going to pay for the car and everything. I was freaking out. Gratefully, the owners were gracious enough to not charge me for the front yard. Ironically, they were wanting to move the boulder anyway. I bent the front axle and we had to total out the car. I am so glad that we had AAA, and so I did not have to pay for the towing. It was 104 degrees outside, the poor guy. When I got into work one of the girls asked me if I was the one driving. How did they know? All I said that was I got in an accident. A few weeks later someone came in and asked for me. She gave me some pictures of the accident. I had to laugh that they took the pictures. It made me smile.
About a year later when I was serving a mission for my church I met the man that I would be working under and he really wanted for me to learn to drive. About a month later I was sent home to have surgery and he and his wife really wanted for me to learn, but I really wanted to get back out and work. I never did learn.
When I completed my time there my uncle, who is a really good driver took me out driving and I was doing well, but I was white knuckling the steering wheel. As mentioned, I know that driving is something that I need to do. I figure that the events from six years ago help to explain why I do not drive.

It's not all the same... thank you

I hate when people think that every person who has the same disability are the same. Guess what everyone... stop the presses! Not all are created equal. Part of my Dyslexia is that I can not read things associated with certain colors. That does not mean that I am color blnd, because I am not. I can see all of the colors of the rainbow. A co-worker and I were wanting to retape the pricing table at work, and put new prices on as well. The new boss was wanting to do it in red and I protested stating that I could not read red. He then asked if I was colorblind. When I said that it was part of my dyslexia but that I was not colorblind but I just could not read things written in red or on red. Another boss was standing by and mentioned that he was dyslexic but that he did not have that problem. Yes, I explained not everyone has the same thing wrong with them. Arg! Ok everyone, here is the deal... we are not all created equal, just incase you were wondering.

Best of Friends?

Tests and I do not get along. We are like oil and water. Once upon a time I had a person in my life who could not understand why tests were so hard for me, when they were so easy for them. To this individual, I would like to say, try being dyslexic and having a hard time reading coupled with ADHD and not being able to sit still. Also, I'd like to add, look at me now. I am a semester away from graduating with my BS. Like anything you cannot fathom what it is like for someone else. Simply because one subject may come easy to one person does not mean that is comes easy to someone else. Likewise, just because you can do well on tests and the person next to you does not, does not mean that they are dumb or otherwise inadequate. Perhaps they are not best of friends with tests, such is the case with me. I know the material, but there are three problems, I go blank when I get to the test, I can't sit still and I can't read. Oh joy. I took all of my finals today, and got my miserable grade back. Really, it was bad, and it was about as bad as you are probably thinking. However, I would not be nearly as stressed as I am except that I really, Really, REALLY need to get good grades. It's not like I have any time to make it up. Eek. I also worry about when I go to retake the MAT and when I take the licensing test after I graduate. Hopefully I can pull it together for both.

Left, left, left,.... right?

I have speculated for quite a while that my hearing was going in my left ear. I virtually never use the left side headphone and when I try I have a really hard time hearing it to which I tend to blame on the fact that it does not fit in my ear nearly as well and the right side does. Yesterday I had my right side plugged as is usual, and there were many people standing in my house carrying on a conversation that by all rights I should have been able to hear. I unplugged my right ear and that is when it all came clear. I am hard of hearing in my right ear. I mean, I am not diagnossed or anything, but it mades since. Just one more thing to add to my already too long list of things that are wring with me.

Job?

We have an intern at work who is great, and I love having her there. She is going into the same thing that I want to, and so it is really neat to get to work with her. Today she comes in and finds me to show me a lead on an awesome job. I was so excited, it was close to home, had great hours, everything looked awesome. Again tho, when I got home and looked at it more closely I realized that it was quite a distance away and the bus does not go to the town that it is in. It seams as though everything is lining up to tell me that I really need to just breakdown and get my license.
A coworker of mine also does not have his license and his girlfriend is getting on him that he needs to get his license. I keep telling her, leave it alone. If he wants to get it, let him get it, but if you keep pressuring him, something is going to give.

Rudolph

On Monday I looked like death warmed over, it was awful. Today when my coworkers told me that work was switching out my boss I started to cry. I hate crying. It is gross. Your eyes get all red and you get all gross. I just hate it all around. When I started to cry one of my coworkers gave me a hug and when I told her that if she hugged me it was going to get worse she told me that I was the most emotionally constipated woman that she has met and that it was good to cry. One of the times that I cried I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I told a co-worker and she did not agree. I think that Monday I looked like death warmed over, today Rudolph. Awesome.

The phone call

Tuesday while in class I missed a call from a number that I did not recognize. For some reason I wondered if it was my boss. I don't know why that thought crossed my mind, but it did. When I got out of class and checked the message, sure enough it was my boss. He said that he was waiting for me to come in that day, and then realized that it was my day off (oops), but that he had some leads on some great jobs that had my name written all over them. He then spoke a mile a minute trying to explain them to me. I went and looked at them and quickly realized that one of them would not work for me... I'd have to drive. Blast! The other one tho I was really excited about. It looked wonderful. I called the boss back (because I hate when I call people and they do not call me back) and told him that I was going to get on it the next day. He reminded me that the soon the better, but I had no energy to deal with it at that moment, and so I promised that I would do it between class and work. We hung up, and when looking at the job requirements again, I realized that I would have to drive for that one too. I was so irritated. When I went into work the next day someone ambushed me asking if the boss got a hold of me and how it went. I had to tell them that I could not drive, which was a huge bummer to all. He then proceeded to ask if it was something that I wanted to do. I told him that want is not exactly the word that I would choose to use in that sentence, but that it is defiantly something that I need to do.

I then met with my boss and we were talking when the other guy pulled him aside and told him that I could not drive. We all huddled together and discussed the need for me to drive. That night I found someone who is willing to teach me to drive. I think that over the Christmas break that is my goal, to be on my way to driving. I about had a heart attack tho when they told me how much the driving school. Gratefully, the first guy mentioned that work would help pay for it. I asked what I would have to do to get that help and my boss gave me three things.

Today we found out that work was giving my boss a promotion which is great for him, not so great for the team. I went and found the gentleman who told me that they could help me out and asked what I could have to do now that they are changing my boss. I was afraid that I would have to prove myself to my new boss and that everything that I have done since July would start all over. To my happiness and great joy he said that I have already proven myself and to get right on it. Yeah! Hopefully everything works out well and that this can get on its way quickly.

I did it

Well, for the first time since I started working in July I called in to work. I hate calling in. I hate feeling like I am letting people down or skipping out on something that I had previously committed to do, and work is one of those things. Not only do I hate calling in, but I hate when others call in. So generally I just tough it out and deal with it.
Last week a pipe burst in the house that I live in and our heat is radiated, so since we had no heat and no water I went and stayed with some family that night. I awoke the next morning to one nostrel being clogged, and I thought "Oh no! I am getting sick." I know, one nostrol does not seam like a big deal, but it is my sign that I am getting sick. This was Wednesday. By Saturday I was miserable. I went into work and someone asked how I was. I looked at them and said "I am tired and sick and I want to be in bed! Growl." I had no growl or bite in me. One of my coworkers was ignoring me, and it was driving me crazy, but I did not have enough energy to deal with it. Everyone could tell that he was ignoring me tho. Sunday found me staying in bed a good amount of the day and Monday I went to class. I had just enough energy to get there. When my teachers looked at me and asked what was wrong I looked at him and said I'm sick, in a tone that was almost, "hello, can't you see that I look like trash." I went to class that morning because 1. It is the end of the semester 2. I can't afford to miss that class and 3. I knew that we were watching presentations, and so I would not have to think too hard. By the time that I got out of class I looked in a mirror and realized that I looked like death warmed over. It was aweful. I debated all of the way home weather or not I was going to call in sick that day. I thought of all of the other times that I have gone into work or have stayed at work when I could have easily gone home. I worked through a splitting migraine, and a work with a constant headache nearly everyday, what makes this different? By the time that I got home I thought that I would eat lunch and maybe I would magically have the energy that I needed to go in. Not so. Lunch was gross, probably because my taste buds are all out of wack. I had no energy. When I called in, I talked to my boss' boss. He was so understanding and told me to stay home and get better. I was so grateful and went to bed for about three hours. Tuesday I went to class and was on campus in essence for five hours and by the time that I got home I was compleatly drained of all energy. I went to class again Wednesday and some of my class mates asked how I was feeling, when I replied much better, one of them was all "Yeah, I felt so bad for you the other day." My mom said that I do not hold my illness well, never have, When I showed up to work later that day one of the guys asked how I was feeling. When I said that I did not feel like death warmed over he concured and said that I looked pretty healthy to him. I do fell better, I still have no energy, but I feel better. Yesterday (Thursday) I came home from class and was drained. I took and a three hour "nap". I hate naping, I always feel more groggy than I did before I layed down, but a whole head headache and no energy made me do it. I really hope that I feel better by Sunday, I have family in town and we want to go see some other local family, but they refuse to take me if I am not doing much better. :( But I can not blame them. I would not want to take me either. I do not want to get anyone else sick. I have my Semester finals next week. I hope that I can have the energy to take them and do well. This is my 2nd to last semester for my BS and I would like to go out with a bang, not to mention that I am still applying for Grad School.

Rawfoodism

I recently had to write a paper for a class which outlined some of the pluses and minuses of rawfoodism. Never fear, I am not going the way of a rabbit, although if you were to ask my co-workers they might think otherwise. Each week as I pull out my lunch, my co-workers are always wondering what rabbit food I have. It is kind of funny. I guess that I can see the some of the benefits of raw, but for me I just do not think that I could hack it. Raw veggies and nothing else. No thanks. I'll pass. I like meat a little too much. Right after I found out about my IR (Insulin Resistance) as you might recall I was eating pretty much nothing but chicken. I lost almost 10lbs, and then tired of chicken and started loosening up on what I ate. I started reverting back to my old ways of eating and realizing that was not doing anything for me except for satisfying me in the moment. I hate that I have to spend so much of my paycheck on groceries though. I was talking to a coworker the other day and saying that I was going to get Portobello mushrooms for Portobello mushroom pizzas. He said that he was jealous, and then I told him not to be jealous because I spend x-amount of money a week on groceries for one. To which he and his wife about choked. Yeah, I thought. That's right I HAVE to eat like this. As I sat down to lunch yesterday, a co-worker who is going into food science asked me what rabbit food I had. I told him. Lunch was a Portobello mushroom pizza, carrots and ranch and a soy drink. He said that he wished he could eat like me. Funny, I looked over at his food and wished that I could eat like him. Rice with some sauce on it that looked really good. Yeah, I wish that I could eat pasta when I wanted to eat pasta rather having to eat it sparingly.

Ah, the joys

Some days work can be funny. I mean, I enjoy the team that I work with, but when the manager of the entire store knows you by name and has conversations with you on a frequent basis, and you feel that you can talk with them without batting an eyelash, work can be funny. Case in point today. Last week I spoke with my boss briefly about doing my internship hours at the store that I am already working at. He said that we needed to get with someone else and chat about it. To which we did and he said that it should not be a problem, but to show him the paperwork, to which I did today. After we met and came to the conclusion that it should not be a problem, but that I needed to check with my academic advisor on a few things and that he then needed to check with the store manager. Yes, at this point there are four people involved. I did a quick explanation to the store manager of what was going on and then said that the other man wanted to talk to him. After work as I was waiting for the bus with some friends from work a truck pulls over, and I am summoned. The passenger side window rolls down and I get a thumbs up and a "Let's do it." Yup, that would be the head honcho pulling over just to tell me that all is well and to move forward. Yup, that is the kind of relationship that I have with the boss'. As it turns out, not asking to go home when you have a splitting headache, are crying because you have a laundry list of things going wrong are still working, being willing to do whatever is asked endears you to the boss' and people recognize that. I have been told that in team meetings from time to time when I am not at work my boss will tell stories about my insaneness. Something that I forget sometimes when I get frustrated with people who want to go home early or whatnot is that not everyone is as crazy and stubborn as I am. I know that not everyone can endure some of the things that I do. One of my coworkers even going so far as to say that a lot if the reason that she has not gone home and has stayed and dealt with her stuff is because she looks at me and how I endure. That is just how I was raised. Cry it off and come up with something else to focus on.

Graduation

It is official... I graduate in May. I am really excited, and yet really kind of scared. I was given permission from both my accadmic advisor as well as my boss to use work as my 'internship' hours that I needed to complete my credits so that I could graduate. Today when we decided that I could use work, the boss' decided to give me more duties, to which I actually got pretty excited. This next semester should prove to be a good one.

Grades

Never in my life have I worried so much about grades as I do this semester. It could have to do with the fact that I am graduating next semester and am in need of having good grades in all of my classes. Today I got a test score back to which I was not so pleasantly surprised with. When the teacher handed it back to me I was talking one on one with him and said something to the effect that it was terrible. He said that I would be find and not to worry. To which I responded that I was trying to get into Grad School and that grade defiantly was not going to help me get there. We made arrangements for me to meed him in his office and discuss it. When we got down to it, if we took the average that I have now and found my grade I would get a C in the class. He then asked what I wanted. I wanted to be realistic. I don't need an A I said, but I don't want a C either. We put out collective minds together and came up with a writing assignment which will serve to make up for some of my lost points. He is happy with it because I am still working for a grade, and I am happy with it because I will get a grade that I can work with.
Also, I have officially received clearance to take one of the three graduate level courses that I was wanting. The irony is that after further thinking about it I had decided to take just one of the three, and the program gave my clearance for the same one. I guess it was meant to be. I am so excited to be quasi starting the program. I love school, I am not sure what I am going to do when I graduate.

MAT

Yup, I took it. Yup, I bombed it. Planning to re-take it. I guess that is all that I have to say.

Wise Mind vs Emotional Mind

I visit one-on-one with an individual theripist every other week, and in a group councling session once a week. I did not realize how much I have been learning in group until this week when I met with my individual counclor. We got to talking about emotions and how emotions are hard for me and how I have a hard time empethyzing because although I know that it is not rational, I have a hard time feeling for others unless I know that there is a problem. I do this because I push through everything. I do not let emotions get in the way. I call and cry to my mom or whomever else will listen 9let's be honest, it's always mom) for about 30 minutes and then figure out a way to fix it. I guess that I have always been like that because I have always been forced to be like that. Between my family opperating like that, you know the whole tough it out, get over it mentality, I have been forced to ignore emotion because if I let emotion dictate everything then I do not think that I would be where I am today. Which is a good and bad thing. Accademically I have achieved so much (in fact, I was told by the head of the Rehabilitation Councling program to include my struggles with having documented disabilities in my letter of intent because "that's good stuff). On the other hand, my personal relationships have really suffered becuase of my inability to enbrace the emotional side of things.
You see, there is the Emotional Mind (where men think that women live 24/7) and the Reasonalble Mind (where women think that men spend all of their time). The problem comes when you can not find a happy medium and wind up in the Wise (logical) mind. This is where I struggle. I spend much of my time in reasonable mind and swing to emotional mind when it suits me, but to so far to an extreme that I miss Wise Mind. My goal for the next couple of weeks it to try and be mindful of which mind I am using and try to move closer to reasonable mind. I know that it is not going to happen over night, but I know that I can do anything that I put my mind to, so I guess this is just something for me to put my mind to.

Classes

I discovered yesterday the greatness of being a Senior. I am finished with my required coursework for my degree, however, I still have 9 credits of upper division classes that I need to take care of. So what is a girl to do when nothing really suits her fancy? Why, take 9 credits of internship and three hours of Graduate level classes. Yes, I am that addicted to school. I love to learn, especially when it comes to disabilities. I figure that I will work 20ish hours a week, go to school taking one class (which from what I gather the class that I will be taking is quite a load all on its own. I can save up for school so that I can hopefully avoid taking out so much in loans and be able to pay for part of my education now. I am so excited to graduate and close this chapter of my life, and yet I am excited to continue my education by taking part in some of the Graduate classes.
I learned yesterday that I can take some of the grad classes as an undergrad and have them count toward grad school, however I can not take this particular programs courses to fulfill requirements for my BS, but can do a split form and have it count toward my masters when I get accepted.

Sign

I love English, I also love Sign Language. Sometimes, being bilingual has its perks (like when I need to say something at someone but I don't want for them to understand what I am saying) and sometimes it is hard because I can come up with the word first in my second language and then maybe come up with it in my first language. Sometimes my coworkers hate that I sign to (at) them. Sometimes I love that I sign to (at) them. I was trying to explain something in a work meeting today and said, well, I could express it in sign. To which the reply was, "Well, if I signed that would be great." Tomorrow is a silent Thanksgiving dinner and I have been thinking that I want to go since 1. It sounds like so much fun and 2. I have not gone to any of the deaf events this semester. I got to talking to a friend of mine who is taking Sign 1 (I am in Sign 3) and she was saying that she wanted to go, but was in need of a buddy, and I mentioned that I wanted to go but was in need of a ride. Turns out, we can provide the needed support for each other. I am so excited. I have some friends from class that I can introduce her to, and there are some people that I associate with that are really easy to understand. It will be good to be able to communicate with the proficient and also be able to help my friend. I keep telling myself that one of these days I am going to attend the Deaf religious congregation here where I live as I have friends that attend church there.
Today in class, my teacher was assigning history lessons for us to teach. He had written several events on the board and we were to pick one (or add our own) and teach it on Monday. I added the Trail of Tears. I have a love/hate relationship with the Trail of Tears. I love to learn about it because it is my family history, and yet I hate it because of what happened. At any rate, one of the girls asked me if I wanted that one (ummm... I am the one that mentioned that particular event in history, right?) to which I said yes and we put my name up next to it. Then the teacher asked which one she wanted and she said that I took the one that she wanted and that she was not really interested in anything else (then why didn't she bring it up?). I said fine and picked the War of 1812, which I had previously contemplated anyway. The teacher erased my name and told her that it was all hers and then she changed her mind and went with something else. Leaving me to either keep the war or take my original topic back. By that point, we had been in class for two hours, and as much as I love sign, my eyes get tired and I just want a nap by that point. Needless to say, I am teaching the War of 1812 in Sinn Language on Monday.

Stressed out

This semester has been quite a stressful semester. I go to school full time, work part time, study like bad for classes as well as the entrance exam. My boss has been wanting to give me some more responsibility for quite some time, but has been hesitant to because I have been stressed with studying and other things happening in my life that he wanted to wait. This last week he finally gave me some more responsibility which I am really quite excited to take on the new responsibilities. I will be working one-on-one with some of my team members and helping them reach their individual goals.

Pushing forward

Tomorrow I take the most important test of my life thus far. I take the Miller Analogies Test. My stomach is in knots and I am really stressed and worried, and yet at the same time, I am relaxed and feel pretty good about it. I have studied a lot and have tried to prepare myself as best I can. Gratefully I grew up with a rather extensive vocabulary, so hopefully that will kick in tomorrow. The test is an hour long, and each practice test that I have taken has followed the example of every other test I take. By about 30 minutes, I am done. My brain does not want to process any more words. I really hope that I can combat this tomorrow. For this test I will actually have 90 minutes to complete it and I really hope that I can talk myself into taking more time so that I can more fully process things. One of my boss' thinks that I am absolutely crazy for taking it now. He did not take it until he was does with school, but my thought it, why not take it now so that if I have to retake it I have time. :)

A love affair re-visitied and a gained appreciation

As mentioned about three months ago, I have a love affair with carbohydrates. Mostly I have a problem with fresh out of the oven bread and pasta. I have not touched pasta for three months up until the other day. Yes, I did succumb. It was sitting on my counter and just looked so tempting, oh, and my roommate made it for dinner. Later in the week I made a box of pasta and ate it all. I knew when making it that I probably would. I felt bad, but I was tempted and ate it. I know I should not have, but it is no use beating myself up over it. I even have a stash under my bed which is lovingly refered to as the contraband stash. This houses most of the food items which I can eat sparingly. Really, it has things like pie mixes, chocolate chips, etc. Now that I do not HAVE to eat chicken at every meal for two reasons 1. my blood work came back markedly better than expected and 2. there are other ways to get protein than just eating chicken. When I was first told that I could not have pasta it was a huge shock to the system. I LOVE pasta. It is my favorite food group. I was told that being addicted to carbs is as hard as being addicted to alcohol. Ouch. It was very hard for the first little while, especially since for the first few weeks all I was eating was chicken. I have since discovered many other ways to get protein and now it is not so much of a chore to eat chicken. I can make it when I want, stick it in the fridge and munch on it. There is some great whole wheat flat bread which I have discovered which two slices have the same amount of carbs and calories as one slice of regular bread has. Yikes. It is actually surprisingly good. Deffinatly not something to go out of my way for, but for making sandwiches or toast with cinnemon butter on it, it does its job. Also, yogurt is a great stand by. I practically live on the stuff. I eat it for breakfast and many times as an afternoon snack. It is a great way to get protein as well as calcium since I do not drink milk. I sware by soy milk, and have ever since my senior year of high school nine years ago when I discovered that my body did not like the idea of milk. I now am quite opposed to the flavor the regular milk. At the time, although not a fan of the stuff it was a bitter sweat good-bye as when I was little my sister would warm some milk up for me and bring it into me when telling me shadow stories. I love chicken tenderloins. I generally bake them frozen since I am too lazy to defrost them when there are directions right on the package of how to bake it when frozen. I will bake with different things in/on it, and there have been few times when it has not come out very well. Some of the things that I use (not necessarily all at the same time) include bell peppers in all their varieties (I like the color as well as the flavor of each of the options), green pepper (I hate trying to cut a regular onion), and many different spices. Some of these spices include but are not limited to: pultry seasoning, mexican, taco, oregino, paprika, rosemary, cilantro and others.
Yes, I did succum, but I am now content for another period of time. For the most part I do not even miss it. I'm not really tempted my it much. I think one ofthe hardest (which I just might partake in) is on Saturday when I bring fresh bread and jam to work for my team since I promised them a treat for hitting out goal. When we hit a goal (or I just feel like it) I will bring treats. These have included bread, brownies and cookies. I love to cook and bake, but I am always afraid that when I bake I might wind up eating the whole thing, which is why it is great to have a team and roommates to share them with.

MAT

I have been preparing to take the MAT or Miller Analogies Test, which is similar to but not the same as the GRE or Graduate Readiness Exam. The thing about the MAT is that it is strictly analogies, which is great since half of my major is English and there is no Math involved. when I went to set an appointment to take the thing they told me that they give it on one of these two days. I looked at the lady and said, well, that is not going to work. I am at work at that time. Then she said another time and I said, um.. or that either, I'm in class. Then a third option and I said, nope, I'm in a meeting. Good heavens I thought, I am REALLY busy. Finally I pulled up my calandar and said "Well, I can do it this day or this day and at this specific time, oh and I need time and a half." I then had to march over to the Disability Resource Center to get my advisor to write up a letter to be sent to the MAT company to get permission to give me the hour and a half. I am scheduled to take the exam on November 2. I am really quite excited to take it in a really rather scared kind of way. I 'should' theoretically hear back on whether or not I get extra time within a few days. This should not be a problem due to the fact that I have an official diagnosis of my dyslexia as well as a problem with processing. For my program I need to score within at minimum the 40th % of everyone who takes it.

Options

On Tuesday I took a test in a class that I felt oaky about, but when the test scores came back, they left something to be desired. I felt mass amounts of stress at that point. I have to carry a GPA of 3.0 in order to get into the Graduate program that I really want to get into. I feel very stressed this semester. Some days it feels as though all that I can do is endure. Push forward. Any time that I think about giving up, I think about all that I have accomplished and all of the people that believe in me. I graduated high school with a 1.7, with my AA carrying a 2.02, and am now carrying a 3.0. I have never worked as hard or have been as proud of myself as I am at this moment. I keep trying to convince myself that even if I do not get into the program I will be happy knowing that I gave it my all. Truth be told however, I do not know that I can be happy knowing that I came *this* close to getting into the program of my dreams. I have met and exceeded every expectation that have been set before me. I should not have graduated high school and I did. I should not have graduated from junior college, and I did. I should not be graduating in May with my BS degree, and to think that I am studying for graduate school. I tend to set my mind on something and not giving up until I get it. It is almost like giving a dog their favorite toy. However, after receiving my test score I cried, and cried. How am I ever going to get through this, I wondered. The next day I spoke with my boss and another gentleman at work and inquired about other career options just incase I can not get into the program of my dreams. Neither of them wanted to talk about it. In fact, they looked at me and said that if I wanted it has badly as they knew I did, that I would get it. What a relief that was. Someone, two someones in fact, believed in me. They believed in me so much so that they are helping me find a job that will help me get a great refrence for grad-school... and the rest of my life.

Studying

As the life of a college student goes, I have a test this next week. Here we are Saturday and what am I doing... well, at this very moment you would be partly right if you said writing this post, but the other part is that I am studying. Yup, I am studying AND writing this post. As I have mentioned multiple times, I have a LiveScribe Pulse Smartpen. The beauty of this is that I have my lecture notes, audio which has been uploaded to my computer, and then to my ipod and have my instructors lecture notes. Yup, I have many things combined to help me study. I love having these options.
Today at work one of my coworkers found a pillow that said "All you need is the right pair of shoes," tragically tho I was having a hard time reading correctly today (thank you dyslexia) and I could not understand why that was so perfect for me. For days like today, having the ability to have the lectures on audio is great.

Job

I found a job posting today that is just exactly right up my ally. Besides missing a few of the qualities that they wanted, I thought that I would give it a shot and send them an email outlining what I can bring to the company with my awesome resume attached. I hope that I get a call back. Keep me in your prayers!

An octopus and a porcupine

In any given relationship I have about a three month window (give or take, but mostly spot on) before I push people away. Few relationships have stood the test of time, and for those who have stood by me I am very grateful. I can not pin down a time or a reason for this, but it happens and it is quite annoying. At about two months I suck whomever it is in very close like one might imagine an octopus doing, and then, at just about three months as if some one flipped a switch I push whomever it is away. I very nearly lost a good friend about a year ago because of my magical ability to transform into a porcupine. It is as if I realize or rather rationalize that I am suffocating whomever it is, and they probably do not like that and so I introduce the other approach and push them away. It was not until last year that my doctor and I really put two and two together and realized that I have anxiety. It is hard. Very hard. I know that it has to be hard on those that care about me, but it is also very hard on me. Last night, as I was contumplating a friendship that I have, I began to feel my chest tightening, my breathing getting harder and tears about to come. This was the moment when I realized that the inevitable cycle was about to rear its ugly little head. It took somewhere between 30 to 60 minutes for me to calm myself down. It is a very eye opening experience for me. I finally recognized what was happening, as it was happening. I do not explain to very many people what happens. Usually I wait until I have already blown things rediculously out of proportion and the person does not want to deal with me, and many times it is too late to resussitate a relationship that given normal circumstances could have blossomed into a beautiful relationship. The jury is out as to if I will tell the friend that this was happening over about it or not. Perhaps I will wait it out and work on my own, hoping that I can circumvent this ever present problem. The other part of me wants to make them know, so that when I do turn into a porcupine they do not feel blind sided. Certainly something to think about.
PS. I did chose to tell them. It seams to be easier to tell people the more I say it. It was not the ideal place or time, but I made it known. At least now they know before it becomes an issue rather than after.

Public recognition

I am not one to seek out public recognition, but I do like personal recognition with the best of them. Today in our team meeting we were discussing being on time, working hard and dedication. My boss then mentioned the night that I worked a full shift while ridiculously sick and how impressed he was with that. He said that if someone were to call him asking for a refrence he would hapily tell them that I have dedicaiton and then brag as much as they would listin. I thought that was cool that he mentioned that.

Selling oneself short

Yesterday in a meeting with my boss and three other people we were reviewing my resume and my profile on an employment search engine. All four of the other people involved in the meeting told me that I was selling myself short. Each of them told me that I need to redo my resume and profile. I grumbled about it, but ultimately redid my resume. I am so excited about the new one. I sound AMAZING now. I would want to hire me. I am so excited to show them the newer markedly better version of myself.

Help

On a consistant basis I toss shoes around and into large bags, then stack the bags, cyran wrap them then put a wire around it. Yes, I am constatnly lifting and throwing around a lot of weight. In an effort to help save my neck and head my boss noticed that I was about to tie off one of the bags and told me not to lift the bag by myself. I placed my hands on my hips and said that I could do it. "Ok," he said "but I am just trying to save you." By the time that I looked away and then looked back he had moved the bag for me. Yup, that is the kind of boss that I work with.

Translating

Every Friday we have a whole store meeting, which some times admittedly is fun. As previously mentioned I work with a deaf gentleman and his translator was late (again) to which my coworkers asked if I could translate for him. Needless to say, I was relieved when she showed. Following the meeting the gentleman, his translator and I were talking and I was signing and talking simultaneously which lead to her asking how long I have signed and how many semesters I have taken. She then said that she would not be there next Friday, and asked if I would translate for her, then asked him if that would be OK. Yup, I am translating next Friday and am scared to death.

Pen, Ink, Computer

As previously mentioned I have a pen that does everything except for brush my teeth. In fact, you can find it at http://www.livescribe.com/en-us/smartpen/pulse/ it is most amazing. It does use a battery which is charged by plugging it into the wall or computer. Because it is used to record test as well as audio, the battery life can get me through about a week of school, and then I sometimes forget to charge it. Yikes. Thus was the case this last week. Also, I use this pen virtually exclusively and so with the battery dead and then the ink ran out this week I was at a loss. A tornado came through my room which came about specifically because not only did my battery run out, but so did my ink and I was unable to locate the refills. My poor roommate. I am never home to complete the cleaning of my room. I have since bought refills and plugged my pen in so that it is ready to go for this week. As if it were not bad enough that my pen died this week so did my computer battery and I have been home so scarely this week that finding time to plug it in has been near impossible. I finally have my computer all charged so all electronics are good to go for the week... provided my ipod does not die this week.

The Knot(s)

I constantly live with knots in my neck and shoulders. I asked my roommate to try and work out a particular knot, to which she did and in the mean time found another really huge one that I was unaware was there. I am not really sure how I did not know that it was there, but I did not. I do now however. All night at work I was very much aware that it was there. Perhaps I ought to put into place some of the strategies that I was taught by the physical therapist the other day.

Surprise

Following a brief conversation with a coworker earlier this week, she had said that our boss had told her that he was moving me over permanently over to work on the two area which I have been working on recently and have fallen madly in love with. I thought that would be cool, but those are her areas and I did not put too much stock into it. Today, when I looked at the new schedule, I came to the realization that I am indeed being moved to the two areas which I love. I got a ridiculously giddy grin on my face and then turned around to ask me boss why he did not tell me that he was moving me to a different area. Then he said that I had told him I would miss working in those two areas and that he listens some times. Ironically, the other day I wanted to work in one of the two areas and held a halo above my head with a cheesy grin and then she said no. To which I laughingly said that he never sees the halo. He replied that he sees it. he just sometimes chooses to ignore it. I am so ridiculously happy that I am on the schedule working the hours that I want to work and in the areas that I want to be working. I am very excited for the new schedule to go into effect next week.

PT, but not that kind

With a refferall from my doctor I trapsed my way over to the Physical Therepy room on campus the other day and set up an appointment to begin physical therepy for my constant headaches that tend to turn into migraines. What a pain in the neck... all pun intended. Unfortinatly due to the fact that they are caused from stress and massive amounts of lifting at work there is not much that they Physical Theripist can do. He did however give me some streaches and I have a a followup meeting with him next week.
I went to work the next day and soon after starting my shift I ran up to the wall and preformed one of my streches to prevent an oncoming headache from becoming worse. My boss gave me an inquzitive look, to which I yelled across "It's stress headaches!"

An hour, yes, an hour.

Another one of my goals that my boss and I set this week was for me to visit my physician and try to figure out was is causing my migraines/nearly everyday headaches that no one hears about. while discussing this with my boss, I mentioned breafly that I have seven disabilities and that everyone has to go through an acceptance cycle. Much like the acceptance cycle of the death of a loved one, there is one for disabilities. If you really look at it, it really is as though there is the death of a loved one. There are losses of a clear head, innocense, limited pain, excetra. I found the following online when I went looking for a visual of if grief cycle. I feel that it does a great job describing what happens and saves me typing time. This article came from http://thechp.syr.edu/GRIEF_CYCLE.rtf

THE GRIEF CYCLE
Emotional Stages for People with Disabilities

Grief gains momentum anytime the reality of disability affects one's life, rather it is having access to people, places and events, or the ability to make choices. Each disappointment and loss triggers the feelings associated with earlier losses and disappointments. Each instance may revive the sadness, frustration, helplessness, and anger associated with being disabled.


1. SHOCK AND DESPAIR:

The onset of a disability may cause shock as it changes the dreams, goals and expectations that had been taken for granted.

Despair is usually about the losses related to our person--the Self. It is about what we are without, e.g. a particular ability or image (Kierkeggard).

There can be despair over external realities related to barriers of access and discrimination in seeking employment, medical care, or social inclusion.


2. ANGER:

Sources of anger in the grief cycle, These are normal and must be expressed in order to move through them. These are not to be confused with the issues of anger related to empowerment, equality and justice.

Anger at the disability .

Anger at ourselves (did we cause it? do we deserve it? The "why" questions).

Anger at doctors, nurses, spouse, parents, children (they may deny our limitations or pain).

We may see our anger as being unforgivable (further lowering our self esteem).

We may feel overwhelmed by helplessness.

The gaps between our idealized self-image and our actual selves are exposed, shattering illusions.



"Self-esteem reflects the congruity or the incongruity...between the ideal self we aspire to be and the actual self we experience in reality. When we have come to accept our limitations and our capabilities, when our ideal selves are in reasonable harmony, our self-regard is likely to be secure and resilient. It can absorb some of the bruises"

We feel inadequate, to blame, guilty, and hostile.

It is important to help people express their anger with God and eventually to forgive God. This enables people to develop a stronger relationship with God and to live out of a deep faith which provides strength to face what is so painful now.

3. BARGAINING:

Bargaining is an attempt to return to "normal". This is part of a stage of denial. People cannot move through this until they have enough ego strength to face into their inner pain.

4. DEPRESSION:

Depression is a normal response to any situation of loss and grieving. Some depressions require more medical intervention than others....
Depression related to disability is a reaction to:

Loss of perceived images and abilities of self.

Loss of image of what it means to be an upwardly mobile family.

Loss of expected or hoped for dreams.

Loss of abilities once had or wished for.

Loss of or impaired health.

Pain that is not controlled.

Inability to fix or change the disability.

Guilt: feeling to blame for the disability.


Depression is an expected response to significant disappointment and loss, even the loss of dreams. Depression is marked by helplessness and a loss of self-esteem, outward signs of the inner fear or reality of the disability. Depression usually enfolds a faltering self-image.


5. ACCEPTANCE:

This does not mean "liking" one's disability, but rather it means learning to live with it rather than suffering from it.

Letting go of the false ideals of power and perfection.

No longer turning critical judgments from others into harsh self-judgments (letting go of the tyranny of the "should's".

Recognizing anger and finding appropriate expressions of it in safe places. Learning how anger can be creative and putting it to work for us, rather than against us.

Seeking self-forgiveness; forgiving God and others, so that we eliminate guilt and disappointment.

Letting go of lost or shattered dreams, reconciling oneself to the reality of disability.

Accepting that which cannot be changed, while looking for modifications for those things which can be changed, e.g. problem-solving can change many things so that we are not left helpless.



Remember that people with disabilities, parents, other family members, and care givers, are each in a different stage of the grief cycle and may not be able to communicate where they are. They may not even know where they are, much less why.

Being courageous in the face of adversity does not serve anyone well. When we postpone grief it will erupt in other ways, perhaps as a global anger and bitterness. It will affect our mind, thus causing biological changes in our bodies until we are physically ill. If we avoid dealing with grief, we succeed only in drawing our emotional energy away from our family and friends. We become distant and detached, further isolating ourselves, thus further contributing to grief and anger.

The grief cycle is part of our growth. It is part of the journey to God. It is not to be avoided, nor is it to merely be endured. It is to be entered into; we have to walk through it in order to move beyond it.

Trying to explane all of this to someone who does not have a disability can be a chalange all its own, or even someone who is still trying to pass. I could not remember all of the steps, but I could remember some and so I drew a visual, and said that I was somewhere between acceptance and moving one. He then said that the ultimate goal should be to not have to have my boss' and co-workers know that I have a problem. Ok, yes that may be true and there are laws to protect those with disabilities (ADA) however, I have already spent the majority of my life passing, I do not want to do that again.

In an effort to "fix" whatever is causing my headaches and migraines I had a short conversation with my sister about migraines and decided that perhaps getting a massage would be a good plan. I scheduled an hour massage (which felt great). Following a brief discussion with the massage therapist we chose to focus much of the hour on head/neck/shoulder pain. It felt great, and I wish that I could say that all of the pain is gone and that problem is taken care of, however that is simply wishful thinking. I fear that I may need to continue to meet with a massage therapist as well as other possible interventions which will be discussed with my physician this coming week when I meet with her.

First week of school

We have just ended the first week of school here at the University that I attend, and I just completed the first week of my Senior year. I have mixed feelings about it. I have been in school forever and have been working on my undergraduate degree for the better part of eight years. To think that I am this close to compleating another one of my goals makes me giddy, and then I think about the fact that I still have two more years once I finish this year to get my Master's degree. Some times I hope it never ends, because well, who really wants to grow up? Can I live in Never never land... Please? On Tuesday I walked into one of my classes and as soon as the teacher began lecturing I thought to myself, "Oh, this is so not happening" and freated about how I was going to drop the class and still be able to graduate next May as planned. I then remembered that several weeks back as I went to an employment agency and discussed my skills, we had talked about me praying about taking a third semester of American Sign Language. I put it off to the back of my brain because I am doing a Bachlors of Science rather than one of Arts, and so I do not need the language, and becides, the class was full, so why freat about it. As I went to drop this particular class I decided to check one last time to see if by some miracle there was a spot in the class (there are a total of seven seats in the class, so it is really small). As it turned out, there was one spot that opened up and a snatched it right up. As it turns out, I had to drop another course inorder to pick up this new class, taking me down a total of six credit hours rather than the original three. ASL is a four credit course and so I am still fill time, thank heavens. I also signed up to be a mentor for an at-risk youth. I am very excited to start this. There are many perks to this, but the main one, and the one that swayed me, is that I want to be for a youth what I wish that I had more of growing up. Some of the other perks are that it will count as two credit hours (thus making up for the lost hours by droping the two classes) as well as counting as my practicum for graduation. All in all, I feel really good about this semester. I feel blessed that I was able to get into this class. I know that God lives and loves me, his daughter. He answers prayers and prompts us to do things that will bless out lives and those around us. As it turns out, I work with a deaf gentleman, as well as a young woman who is studying Deaf Education and so I am able to get some practice in at work which is yet another blessing. I love the language, I feel that it is one of the most beautiful. I find myself being able to think of words in sign frequently before I am able to think of the spoken English cohort.

Word processor

I just bought this week (and recieved in the mail) a word processor for my Mac. Clearly I love my mac more than my PC. Why do I say this? Simple, I bought a word processor for my Mac and never did for my PC. I suppose that it will take a while for me to adjust to pages, numbers, and keynote rather that PowerPoint, Excel and Word. I am looking forward to figuring them out and working with them this school year.

Slap... on the back of the head

I think that everyone has days where they do not think that they are the most attractive thing on the planet, well this is not 'just days' in my world, this has been the story of my life. The other day when at work a coworker and I got to talking about dating and life in general. He said that he wanted to introduce me to his brother and we bantered back and forth about it for quite a while. Then he said that he could not introduce us because it would be love at first sight and he could not deal with that, to which he grinned. The next day the conversation continued, and then when someone that we do not work directly with came to ask a question after he left my immediate co-worker said that he wanted to set me up with the other kid. "Whatever" was my reply. I have never been one to look in the mirror and say "Oh yeah, I am hot." Or "Dang, I am so cute today and every other day." My morning routine goes more like this "Dang, I am breaking out so badly on my chin, and look at that mammoth zit on my temples" and "my cheeks are so red, look at that, gross." Then depending on the morning I may put some make-up on to mask some of it. We continued to talk and I made some sort of disparaging remark about myself and all of a sudden there was a slap on the back of my head in Gibbs from NCIS fashion.

The following song is one that my mother loves to attribute to me, and from the girl who is depicted in the lyrics it rings true to me.

She Don't Know She's Beautiful by Kenny Chesney

We go out to a party somewhere
The moment we walk in the door
People stop and everybody stares
She don't know what they're staring for

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her so

There she goes just walking down the street
And someone lets a whistle out
A girl like her she just can't see
What the fuss is all about
And she don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her so

Mornin' comes and her hairs all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she dont know why
I can't take my eyes off her

And she don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

She don't know she's beautiful
(never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful
(no shes not that kind)
She dont know shes beautiful
Though time and time i've told her

Turns out

So, as it turns out, telling your boss that they are grumpy does not earn brownie points. This week was an interesting week. I started school, and begun a new work schedule, to which I am not sure I like, but I do like having a job and I enjoy my co-workers, so I guess that is two-thirds of the battle. Early on in the week the boss was not feeling well, and interaction with him was sketchy at best. By the next time we worked together he was back to his jolly self and I smilingly told him that he was back to his pilly little self and he grinned. This is the type of relationship that we have, and it is great. Later in the day he asked me to do something to which I did not understand the purpose of and gave him a strange look. He then said something serious and 180 degreed different from his up beat personality. A few minutes later, as he walked by my station I said to him, "What, we can't decide weather we are happy or grumpy today? To say that that did not go over well would be an understatement. Oops.

causes and effect

So, I am actually writing this on Sunday, September 6 rather than Wednesday.
I had a meeting with my boss this week, as I do every week. I actually quite enjoy these meetings. We discuss goals for the coming week and how I am coming along with the goals that I had set for the week before. Every two weeks he shows us each our percentage of on-time clock ins and percentage of time missed, that kind of information. So far, I have not missed any days, and stayed with a migraine, which got my mega brownie points. When we sat and discussed my numbers, it was revealed that I am late almost every day by one to two minutes coming back from lunch. Turns out, my phone and the work clock differ by two minutes. Kind of annoying by anyones standards. Also, after doing some calculations we came to the realization that some of the reason for such low numbers, is that in my first week I had a Drs appointment that I had to be at to discuss my need to eat foods besides chicken, because we all know how much I love the stuff. He did however say that working through my migraine gave him much confidence because not only did I stay, but I worked at the preferred speed (don't ask me how I managed that because I have no clue). However, my lack of on time punches brings it down a touch. We are shooting for two full pay periods of on-time punches. I have fixed my clock and hopefully that corrects the problem. I believe that the four remaining punches for the week were on time. We are looking towards getting me either a business partnership or another job all together sometime mid November. He said that with as much as I ma on task and accept whatever he throws at me and my willingness to work through whatever, if I get my on-time punches up he will feel confident giving a good recommendation, which makes me happy. I hope that I can continue to work to his standards so that I can use him as a reference.

Migraines = gross

I really wanted to switch my day off yesterday for today, and my boss was on the fence about letting me have it. Then I piped in with "I will even work Tuesday night for you." Insert cute grin and puppy dog eyes. He said yes, and I was happy.
I went into yesterday, excited to have today off. "This is going to be a good day." I thought to myself. I was then brought someone who was told that he was to do whatever I needed for him to do. Which is great, because, on any normal day, he does not say no to me. Yesterday, however, was not any normal day. He fought me every step of the way. He did not want to be working with me, he wanted to be working in another area. I kept try encouraging him by saying that perhaps if he showed that he could work hard in another area, they would move him into the area that he wanted to be in. I asked him to help me help him, and he would not budge. About an hour later I started feeling dizzy and faint. I felt my second migraine coming since I started a month ago. Great, I thought. I put on my sunglasses, which is a signal to everyone that I do not feel good. My knees nearly buckled many times, and the same kid that would not help me help him decided that I could not lift up the totes of books, because he was afraid that I would fall. I would finish the four totes that he would place on the next four up for me. I went to lunch, which led to me hiding in a dark room and crying. My boss saw me and asked if I was oaky. Yeah, I answered yet not really feeling oaky. Part of me wanted to go home, and the other part of me said that I had made a commitment to be there, and by golly I was going to be there. I am LDS, as are everyone else that I work with. I asked my boss what has got to be the weirdest question that I have ever asked in a work setting. I asked if he or someone else could give me a blessing. He found two great men who were able to give me a blessing. I really wanted to be able to finish my shift. They left and I had about 15 minutes of my lunch left, at which point I put my head down and started to cry. I hate crying, I hate everything to do with crying. Stuffy nose. Red eyes. More of a headache. I just all around hate it. As I was sitting there, one of the other boss' walks in and then walks out. About a minute later someone else walked in and asked if I was oaky. Good grief I thought, but at the same time I was grateful that so many people cared. As I was getting ready to head back into work, I splashed some water on my face, in hopes that it would help get rid of the redness in my face, which it did not. I clocked back into work and one of the girls asked if there was anything that she could do to help me. I said no, and then she gave me a hug and I stood there for a minute just soaking it in. She was giving a hug to someone whom she knew only from working with for the last few weeks. The boss asked if I was going to make it the rest of the night, and I said that I was sure going to try, to which I got two thumbs up. I wanted nothing more than for the end of the shift to come, take medication to get it to go away, shave my head because every strand of hair pulling on my scalp just about killed me. The young man who refused to let me pick up the totes prior to lunch told me that I was not allowed to lift them the rest of the night. Then he looked at me and said something to the effect of, remember when you told me to help you help me, well, this is a team effort and they (talking about the other two that I would be working with) are part of your team. Each time that I ran out of books, I would raise my hand and ask which one wanted to put the next track of books up for me. I have to admit, I felt kind of helpless. At the end of the day, as I clocked out, I was grateful for everyones concern, and grateful that there were people able and willing to give me a blessing so that I could make it through my shift. I had a friend pick me up, because I did not trust myself to walk home safely. I got home, took my medication and crawled into bed. I feel so much better today, and as I was in pain yesterday, I remembered again why it is that I need to start carrying my medication with me. The guys were good to me, or at least as good as they can be for being 19 and mid 30's, and both guys. I am grateful that I was able to make it through my entire shift, even when no one would have blamed me for going home early. I guess it is the stubbornness that I inherited.

A crazy day

I came into work this morning to face a never ending pile of shoes. On Saturday I was placed on shoe duty for the entire shift for the first time. Saturday, through a series of incidence I made a huge mess of what should have worked out without much of a hitch. Today I came in to all of the shoes that I had already priced being placed in a bucket. The first thought that went through my mind? Crap. He is never going to let me be on shoes ever again. Then things changed, he asked me to go through the shoes again and reprice them. He then left me on shoe duty for most of the remainder or the day. I loved it. Throughout the day I saw the head boss in toe with someone else who looked equally important, if not more so. They came and talked to me, asked me some questions. Turns out, he is the store managers boss. Sure hope I answered properly.
I had a meeting with my immediate supervisor today. We discussed my working towards getting a business partnership, where I work for another company on the company that I work fors dime. Sounds like a good plan to me. We also discussed my moving into another position, such as his little helper. Yup, fnally.

Sarchasm

I suffer from a condition lovingly titled by a friend of mine as "Open mouth, insert both feet, close, chew quietly."This is also frequently refereed to as sarcasm. What does this have to do with work or disabilities? Absolutely nothing, but I figured that it was about time you heard about something else for a change. A friend and I went to a concert the other night and got into a conversation about sarcasm and how some people are more sarcastic than others. I happen to be the more sarcastic, she happens to be the nonsarchastic one. Why is it that some people find the need to be sarcastic and others don't. I find it fascinating how differently people grow up and each persons personality is. Is it a matter of nature or nurture, or a mixture of both?

Recipes

Bt request, I have started another blog in connection with this one which can be found and www.joyinthefood.blogspot.com this will feature different recipes that I mention (or fail to mention) here.

Work goals...

By virtue of where I work, I meet with my boss on a weekly basis and come up with goals to help me get a better job. One of my goals that I have had ever since before starting work there was to network. I was able to complete this goal. My Aunt has a neighbor who happens to be a Vocational Rehabilitation Councilor. I met this neighbor and had a really good 30 minute conversation with her. It really solidified to me that that is the path which I want to take in my life. Yes, I want to help kids like me. She works in the school system starting at 16 years old and helps these young adults transition into adult life. She works with a lot of the kids that fell through the cracks and felt as tho there was no true place for them in the school system. It felt great to talk with someone in the field who is excited to go to work everyday. It was a great conversation and it really solidified in my mind that this is what I want to do.

"Cousins" and similar diets

So I was talking to my cousin, who is not really my cousin, but we share an Aunt and Uncle so we sometimes call each other cousin. In my family with all of the cousins that have children who are my age and strange family relations sometimes it is easier to just say cousin. At any rate, I was talking to my cousin the other day and we had a really good conversation about changing diets and things. She happens to have something where she cannot have any gluten. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be. I think about my diet, and then add no gluten. Yikes. It is interesting that we had this conversation, because just 30 minutes earlier I was lamenting about how I wanted something to eat, and I wanted FOOD, but not vegetables or chicken, but chocolate, bread, pasta, something from the food categories which I love. It was so nice to talk to someone my age who could understand the withdrawals and frustrations which I am currently faced with. She just started having to keep this diet in the last few years, and she said that she would cry when walking down the bread isle at the grocery store. (That is so me right now.) Her doctor told her that she would go through withdrawals like and alcoholic goes through withdrawals...mine said smokers.
I had this internal fight with myself for two reasons, one, it was the Sabbath so I did not want to go shopping, and two I had already decided that this weeks lunch menu was chicken. I finally gave in, thawed some chicken and set it in marinade which turned out to be AMAZING. Turns out, about two months ago I bought some bread and dipping sauce, which I cannot use anymore for its intended purpose so I used it as a marinade. I set the chicken in it for just a few hours and then grilled it. It turned out much better than I expected. Between grumbling and giving in, I gave an Aunt and Uncle a call to ask a question and was invited for dinner (which is where the previously mentioned conversation took place). When we sat down to dinner, guess what we had? Yup, chicken. I guess it was meant to be this week.

Good and bad news

Typically I would ask which you wanted first, the good or the bad news. However, this is not a typical situation. I suppose that you will want the bad news first so that we can end on a good note. I am still slow at work apparently. The boss keeps telling us that we need to be fast. I know that I can go faster, but I need to be around others who are trying to be faster.
As for the good news.... I am being moved to another part of the department tomorrow morning. This means that my promotion looks like it is on its way in the (hopefully) not too distant future.

Career workshop and 'power statements'

Today began the three day journey of the career workshop. Due to the nature of where I work (it is a a temporary job) the point is to get you ready to get another, better job. Granted, I have one of the best boss' that I have ever had and the work enviornment is nice. That said, every day that I go in, I can not help but wish that I could have found a job on my own. Do not get me wrong, I am increadibly greatful for the opportunity that I have to work and grow the skills that I have, but the interview that I had was not like having a 'real' interview, and I know that it is a temp job. Everyone at the store has to take a two or three day career workshop. I have actually already taken the workshop, but it has been at least two years, and I have been wanting to take it again for a while and just have not gotten around to it. Now that I work in the building that is interconnected to the place where the workshops are and I have to take it, and I get paid for it.... hello, why not take it now. Many of my coworkers on my team either called me a cheater because I was working with them for only half of the day, or bellyached that everyone has to take it. I am not sure what they are complaining about, I for one am greatful for it.
Today we learned about introducing ourselves in thirty seconds and having a power statement. When writing my power statement, I felt as tho I was writing a novel. Here is my first draft:
I am dedicated to raising awareness of different disabilities. I am about to appear on a panel at Utah State University for a class focusing on Special Education. I have, and continue to research information on Dyslexia, Attention Defficite Dysorder, Insulin Resistance, Deafness, Anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Dysorder. I have also taken two Special Education classes and am high-beginning to intermediate fluency of American Sign Language. I strive to learn more everyday about different topics that effect peoples every day lives. As a result I have learned many things about a variety of disabilities, as well as adaptation skills and assistive technology. I know how to use people first language and am not afraid to ask how best to interact with different people in different stages of life.
Tomorrow I meet with a gentleman who will help me iron out my resume. I am so excited. I know, totally geeky of me, but hey, why not.
Now, the question becomes, Who knows someone who is looking for an employee like me, or could point me in a good direction?
PS, We also learned about networking today as well. ;)

Friends, what a joy

I spent some time with some friends today. There were a lot of us that got together and had pancakes with toppings. I chose to put peanut butter (at least I'd get some protein) whipped cream and syrup on my two pancakes. A few hours later were at a couples playing games and enjoying eachothers company when my stomach started to hurt. It was at that moment that I remembered my stomach cramping like that. It has been nice the last three weeks not having my stomach cramp. Hello no cramps, good-bye fun food.
We were at the couples house for long enough that they made us dinner and afterwards the son brought out popsicles for us. Three weeks ago I would have jumped all over it. I turned it down, as did the wife. She is Diabetic. It was nice to not be the only one not to have dessert. I looked at the "nutritional" information on one of them. 26 grams of carbs.! I could not believe it. I am so glad that I turned it down. Yikes!

Oops

Apparently, I do not call or receive calls very much. I went to call my mom last night. When the phone picked up it was a friend of mine answering the work phone. Uhh.... oops. We laughed about it and she told me that she would have to give me a hard time at work today, When we saw each other we both just laughed.

Grump

This shall be a continuation of the previous post. I am taking a career workshop next week and my boss and I have worked hard to work out my schedule for next week. We previously thought that the workshop was Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and so we thought it best that I take Monday off. When I went on lunch I looked up when it was, and it was Monday, Tuesday Wednesday. This is importaint to note because I get paid to go to these workshops. I went to tell my boss, and he was busy, so he came to talk to me in the station that I was working in at that point. When he came over, I looked at him and said to him that I did not want to talk to him unless he was un-grumpy. He said that he is never grumpy. Yeah, umm, I beg to differ, and so does the rest of the team.

Work

It seams as though I talk about nothing but work these days, and share more frustrations than joys. Cest La Vie as the saying goes. This last week of work has been a killer. I am trying to work toward a promotion that they want for me to get, but I have to be able to prove that I can work hard and complete all of the tasks that they need for me to. The team that I work on has not been doing very well this week meeting our goals. Every day at noon we gather as a team and have an uplifting spiritual message and prayer. On Thursday we gathered for our get together and instead of fluffy uplifting words we got chastised and then before the prayer our boss looked at us and said that he had nothing more to add and turned and walked away. That hurt so badly. The entire team felt that. When I went back to my station, the boss under the one that walked away sent me to another section, to which I happily ablidged. Friday brought a chance to redeem myself a little. I worked super hard to prove that I could work the station that I was in and complete my tasks quickly and accurately. I got the quickly down, now we just need to work on the accurately. Today we worked very hard and were very proud of ourselves... then they made it more difficult fore us. They forced us to work harder and faster than we have in the last two weeks since I came on. Today I am so tired, proud of how much we got done, but so tired. It is nearly 9pm at this writing and I am ready to crash in bed.

The love of food

I LOVE food. More specifically, I love home cooked food. Tuesday brought me looking at recipes, weighing out how much protein was in the meal. If it looked as though there were not enough grams of protein in the meal, I would move onto the next one until I found two that looked absolutely amazing. I went grocery shopping that night and picked up the ingredients for a summer squash casserole which was ridiculously easy and a spinach quiche. I made the casserole for this week. I was able to take some for three days and served as a great part of lunch. An apple seams to be a main staple, as well as a yogurt. As I was cooking my lunches for this week, my roommate laughed and said that most normal people don't put that much energy into making their lunches. I laughingly said back to her that most normal people did not have to work so hard ti find something to eat either. Since I cannot just get something from the vending machine I have to make my lunch exciting somehow.

Typist

I hail from the loins of great typists. My father at one point was typing upwards of 80 words per minute on a typewriter. You know, those things that you had to actually had to move in order to do a carriage return. And my mother also, altho I cannot recall what her typing speed was at the pennicle, I am sure that it is equally impressive. Unlike them, my typing speed has remained since high school a measly 22wpm. Many of the jobs that I have looked at applying for of late have required a typing speed of at least 40wpm. I recently made the goal to bring my typing speed up to at least 40wpm so that I could apply for these jobs. With a lot of practice, I was able to meet that goal, and printed out a certificate from the website. It really probably does not mean much of anything, I mean really, someone else could have just as easily taken the test and put my name on it, but I know that I met that goal. I can now check that goal off my list. I would like to continue to get my typing speed up more...

Bandwaggon

I love carbs. I would probably be open to marrying carbs if they were a person. I have always had a love affair with them for as long as I can remember. The smell of Dad's bread baking in the oven, raviolis, spaghetti, you name it, I love it. You bring it by me and I will eat it. When my doctor told me that Carb cravings were much like nicotine cravings it brought a whole new meaning to addict. I always joked that I was a carb addict, but I never really thought much of it. She said that the difference between nicotine and carbohydrates is that there really is no way to curb the craving for nicotine, but you just have to fight through it, whereas with a carbohydrate craving you can eat protein. This is when I started eating like a rabbit. The first week I was cranky and grouchy. Again, I am an addict. Perhaps there needs to be a Carbohydrates Anonymous. The second week, after meeting with a dietitian and discovering that I can have all of the vegetables that I want, and all of the apples and other sources of protein that I wanted, I felt better, but was still really careful. I either got up early before heading off to work so that I could make my lunch, or prepared it the night before so that I knew that I had something good and healthy. Generally my lunch and snacks have consisted of: carrots, apple, yogurt, snap peas, grilled chicken on either flat bread or pita bread and sometimes a cracker and cheese lunchable thing as a treat. When, en I came home from work, I would pull out my stash of honey graham bears and have about 5-10 as a treat for doing so well at work. I packed such a good lunch for myself today. I was so happy with it. Today was carrots, broccoli, yellow squash, yogurt, snap peas, some crystal light, a cheese and cracker thing and a little chocolate bar as a treat. My roommate offered me some of her mac and cheese the other day, and I turned her down sighting the pasta. I have felt so good about myself. Enter tonight. I had dinner at a friends house, and I allowed my diet to go take a flying leap out the window. We had roast beef sandwiches (which we put together ourselves, so really I could have left off the bread). As my teeth sunk deep into the fluffy white bread goodness I proclaimed "Why hello bread, oh how I have missed you." To which my roommate gave me a look and a sound and I quickly defended with the protest, "But I have protein. See!" As I pointed to the roast beef. Oh, so the bread was a bad choice, especially for a carb addict such as myself. I know what you are thinking, "That cannot be all, what a lame ending." Of course that is not all. Do you really think that I would leave you hanging like that? So we had the choice between water (which I have had virtually every meal besides when I have chocolate soy milk for the last two weeks) or this amazingly sweet Japanese lemon water concoction. Take my word for it, AMAZING. Of course I could not stop at one or two, no I had three cups of it. Yup, three. Just when I was starting to realize that I had really done it, they came around with desert. Who wants to be the lone ranger and not have desert? Hello? I reached in and grabbed for a strawberry Minute Made frozen desert, and it was good, but not as good as I had hoped. I had a hard time enjoying it. Probably because I had just had a discussion with another friend sitting at the table about how I need to be careful with what I eat and why..... They came around and offered seconds on desert, to which I resisted the urge. Did I mention that on the way home from work I stopped and got a frozen yogurt (which was amazing) and had another chocolate when I got home. Yes, today I fell off the bandwagon. I feel like I am living in those cartoons when there is a good angel and a bad angel over each shoulder. I know that I need to do it for my health. I know that it will be hard, but I also know that I can break through it. It just may be a bit longer before I can bake bread or treats again, because I know that I will gobble them all up. The funny thing is, the last week I can't remember ever being covetous of my coworkers lunches. I have been blessed to be happy with what I packed. My carrots and apple. Jamie: almost 2 weeks, addiction: 1 day.

Seeing as it is nearly midnight at this writing, I cannot help but think of one of my favorite movie quotes, which I am sure actually is from another source: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That is why they call it the present."-- Kung Fu Panda

Debate

At work today we were discussing amongst three of us how bad migraines are. The one other female and I were saying how badly that hurt and the boy chimed in that he has had one and it was not that bad. To which I replied that until he has had enough of them that he has to be medicated he has no idea how bad they really are. He then said that he could name something worse that a Migraine, seizures. Having dated a gentleman who has seizures, I can say that for me watching them (and I saw only two in nine years that I have known him) how scary they are for those around the person with the seizures. I do not know from a personal experience how bad they are to the person having them, but I hope that I do not discount what others go through simply because I have "more" disabilities than they do. I firmly believe that everyone is given their personal struggles for a reason. I feel that for me I needed them for a few reasons. One being to learn, another being to help others. I hope that I can be a source of inspiration to someone when they feel that getting an education is outside of their grasp. The same young man said that his reading, math, and written skills are too low to go to college. I tried to suggest to him that he go to a junior college, like I did so that he can work to the point of being able to eventually graduate from college. He then continued to say that if he were diabetic like me (which actually it is insulin resistance, but close enough) that he would not care and would eat chocolate everyday. I started to get a little agitated with him and tried to reason with him. Another co-worker who was working behind us told the kid that I had plenty of room to talk because I have a lot going on with me. He understands like no one else that I work with how hard it is to change my diet, his step-mom died recently from diabetes complications.

One of a kind

I live in Utah, which is a unique state all its own, that said, one thing cool about it is that fireworks are legal on another day besides July 4th. Yup, July 24th. It is a state holiday. I joined a friend this evening for the fireworks. It crossed my mind how each of them are the same "species" and yet they are all unique. Some go higher than others. Some barely make it off the ground while others sore high and spread out. They are all beautiful in their own unique way. None are the same. Truly. They may be made with the same compounds and the desired outcome is X, but no two are the same. So it is with us humans. We are all the same species, yet some are born, receive a body and return to their maker, and some live a long time. Some feel like they just go through life and do not make much of a difference. One thing that I noticed this evening while watching the fireworks is that every one of them has a purpose and all of them add to the beautiful display that lights up the night sky and everyone can enjoy. How much different would the display have been if one of them had not been included? How different would life be without the influence that you or I have had on those around us? Just some food for thought.

The job

I have spent the last few months ever since I was let go of my previous job looking for a new one. I was repeatedly told by my roommate to go see a particular place that helps train and place people in employment. I kept refusing to go because I really wanted to do it on my own. I am stubborn that way. I eventually went over there and filled out the paperwork needed. That day I had in interview to see if they would take me on. The guy that did the interviewing said to give him a week and follow up if I did not hear from him. The next day he called and asked me to come in the next day to fill out some more paperwork, which I did. He then said that it could take up to 24 hours for that paperwork to clear. Within a few hours he had called me back and asked me to come in and start the following Monday.
I worked very hard the first week for six days straight. I am tired, sore and so glad to have a job in the intermittent until I can find another job which will be a good fit for me.
I took an aptitude test within my first few days. They said that communication and English were my best subjects, and science and math my worst. I could have told them that.

An Ode to Aspen

My dear 10 year old cousin Aspen passed away this last week. She was 10 years old and so happy and full of life. I do not know all of the details, however I do know that she got in a very bad accident about a year ago which tore her vocal cords and she has had several surgeries. Whomever you are, and wherever you may be, please hold a moment of silence for this wonderful young woman who returned to her maker.

I feel like a rabbit. But a very healthy rabbit.

I generally try to look at the good side of things, but the last four days have been very hard. It is as if everything that I love to eat has been taken away from me and now I am constantly surrounded by the food that I love, and I have to turn it down.
I went to the doctor Tuesday with several concerns, one of which being that no matter how much I tried to watch what I ate (mostly fruit, pasta and bread) I could not manage to lose weight. That might not sound like that big of a deal, but alas it is. You see, I am 5' nothing and 180 lb., there is no way on this green planet that I should be that heavy with trying to watch what I eat and going to the gym. Not only am I not loosing the weight, I am gaining weight. I have tried to keep a close eye on my blood sugar as my mother, uncle and cousin are diabetic. To say that it runs in the family is to say that brown eyes run in the family. I have now had my fasting blood sugar tested twice and everything has come back normal.... Tuesday that all changed. I was diagnosed with pre-diabetes (from eating all of those yummy carbs) as well as insulin and glucose intolerance. She quickly said that she wanted a blood work-up and referred me to the dietitian. To say that I took the news hard, is a massive understatement. I cried and cried. I got a headache from crying so much. All of the bread that I have loved my whole life, gone. I love to bake bread, yeah... can't do that much anymore. I know that they are helping to save my life and circumvent my getting diabetes, but it is so hard. I went to the store and got all kinds of vegetables Tuesday. I looked at the fruit and had a moment of silence. The doctor said that I could have fish, to which I stuck out my tongue. Chicken, but I can only have so much (not because of a diagnosis, but because I can only have so much). Yesterday as I was pulling out the fixings for a salad, I thought out loud I feel like a rabbit. To which my roommate replied But a very healthy rabbit. I nearly bought a cantaloupe today. What stopped me? I cannot enjoy it anymore, not like I used to. Now I have to have protein with it.
Some days it feels like all of the disabilities that run in both sides of my family decided to come to me. Lucky me. It is as if instead of coming when I was born and giving them all to me at once, they came one at a time. It feels like, once I think I kind of understand one, another one comes. So far, this has been the hardest one for me to handle. I know that I will be healthier and feel better because with the medication that I will be going on shortly my body will be able to digest food properly. I had my gallbladder pulled on my 22nd birthday, I guess my body decided that causing havoc and my getting rid of that organ was not good enough.
I wonder what I am supposed to learn from this. I hope and pray that I will soon adjust to this new way of life, this new way of looking at food. I am sure that I will miss things like, stuffed pumpkin at Thanksgiving, oranges and apples, cheesecake... all of those foods that make my mouth water just thinking about them. I am four days in and already sick of looking at chicken. Wish me luck at a quick adjustment.

Front of the Class

A few years ago I discovered a Hallmark movie called Front of the Class. Essentially it portrays a man- Brad Cohen- who became a teacher. He also happens to have Tourettes. It is a tearjerker, feel good, disability awareness movie. You can find it on DVD, as well as it being a book. I highly recommend viewing this. I have not read the book, however, it if is half as good as the movie it should be quite excellent.

Migraines

Having had migraines since the age of 17, at 25 I am still grounded when I get one. It is as if an elephant is sitting on my head. I can not see anything, I can not do anything. My vision goes blurry, generally in my right eye. I get really light and sound sensitive. Sounds get amplified to a point that I am forced to seek shelter. Many times, I am forced to curl up on my bed, put a blanket over my head and wait it out. Gratefully, with a change in my lifestyle they seam to be more under control these days. Sometimes traveling causes a bit of a problem, however they seam to come less and less frequently.

Trust

To me, this word implies so very much. Compared to how many people enter my life, it always takes me a little while to trust (there is that word again) someone. I am a people person. Anyone that knows me can attest to that. I frequently share information with people that is not exactly, hey the weather is stifling today, but rather I like to get into conversations about politics, religion, finances... you know, all of those taboo topics when you first meet someone. Yet, even when sharing information I have a hard time letting people really get to know me. I have a hard time fully trusting people. As I have addressed my anxiety this has gotten better, but I still struggle every day.

Normality

You may have noticed that the title of my blog is Fighting Against the Norm, but that got me thinking today. Just what exactly is "the norm"? Is it when a teenager can sit quiet in class and not disturb the other students? Is it when Someone has 20/20 vision or perfect hearing? How about when they can walk without the aide of a Cain or wheelchair? Depending on your own personal circumstance, normality will be different than what I perceive as normal. In a family setting, to struggle with reading is normal, as opposed to in a school setting when having difficulty reading makes me cringe and want to hide.
I fully admit that there are days when I wish that I could just 'be normal.' I am a 25 year old near college graduate who knows better than to think that everyone is the same and I am the one that is off, and yet I still do it. I think that consciously or unconsciously we all wonder if we are normal or not. When I was five or six years old and in the first grade, I was completely ambidextrous. I had a teacher who could not understand how mid sentence I could switch from writing with my right hand to writing with my left. At one point, she told me that I needed to choose one hand or the other to write with. I chose my right because, well, because I wanted to be 'normal'.