Now What?

Well, now (nearly now) I have a degree and it is certainly not Engineering. It is as if everyone keeps trying to beet a concept into my head that I am already fully aware of. It has been a crazy, and rough last several days. I think that I have cried every day of the last five days.… maybe not yesterday because I was focused on Easter and being with people who are not trying to beet into my head that I need to find a new job, but that my degree is meaningless. I wish that some of the people that are doing this, would at least pretend to be supportive.

It's official

After a series of things happening in the last few weeks, I start back at work where I left two weeks ago. I feel at ease with that decision. The Job that I took just did not work out, and gratefully I had not actually signed any release papers, so I still had a job to return to. I will not get to work directly with my guys, and I have to come up with a game plan. I am job placement ready, I just need to find a good fit.

Decisions, decisions

This last week has brought some huge decisions. I graduate in just a few days...16 to be exact, but who's counting. Now is the time that I am needing to be thinking about my future and what I am going to be up to for the rest of my life. So, here is the list of decisions in no particular order:
1. To move or to stay in my apartment (which I have already signed a contract for)
2. To move to another city, i.e. Salt Lake
3. Do I reapply for Grad School?
4. Am I REALLY supposed to go to Grad School?
5. I have a part time job right now, if I do reapply, and don't get in a part time job is not going to help me pay back my loans.

Oh the life I live. It really has been an interesting last few months. I was going an internship, which I have since completed and went to three job interviews, two of which I got call backs for, which was really exciting. I took one of them. It has been interesting over the last two weeks. I really like my coworkers and the participants that I work with. I work with several people with disabilities and they are all so sweet in their own ways. They all have such unique personalities. I really do like them, some times it is emotionally hard though because I am so results driven, and you do not get to really see results as much as I like to see them. I saw and was able to document amazing results in the gentlemen that I was working so closely with for three months, and I miss them. I knew intellectually that I would miss them, but I did not know in my heart how much I would truly miss them. There are moments when I think about them. I learned so much from them after all. For part of my new job I was working just two blocks away from where "my boys" are and wanted so badly to go over there and see them. I had to stop myself. They are no longer my responsibility. I went in today to take care of some paperwork, because I still technically work out there. Both of the guys were gone, but there is a distinct difference in the atmosphere of the two enviornments. Yes, I like both, but I miss the one. I still get updates from time to time on how both of my guys are doing. Which leads me to the next question, do I apply for Grad school, OR apply for a Job Coach position in Salt Lake City at the Deseret Industries down there? This would mean, maybe not giving up compleatly on grad-school, but possibly postponing it for a time. Perhaps I am not ment to go to Grad-school, but rather I needed that goal to get me through my under-grad. Maybe, I need to do Job Coaching and make a difference locally, one-on-one. As it is, that is pretty much what I have been doing for the last four months, just add a few more technicalities. I know that there may be people who will have better resumes than I do, however I have had this experience, as well as my life experience behind me. I wish that I some how could get them to see past everything, and call the store here in Logan, because I know that they would give me glowing reccomendations.
I very nearly moved into a new apartment here in town with a friend, when I already have signed a contract for another year at the place where I already am. There was a lot of thought and the final decision was to not move. This because, well, what if I don't get into Grad school (again) and/or decide to take a job in Salt Lake. I did not want to leave her in a lurch.
Lastly, what if I don't get into Grad-School? I have to start paying my student loans back and a part time job is not going to help me do that.
Oh, decisions decisions.

Hiccups

Iv'e come to the conclusion that I do not have tragedies very often. I have hiccups. I will get a blow and cry about it for an hour, call mom, and then somehow it is no longer a tragety, just a hiccup. I failed my Sophmore English class. Bummer. Tuned around and took summer school. Was denied entrance to a private university, but got accepted to a school that better suited me and my needs. My GPA was too low to get into my desired undergrad program. I found another one, which I really took to. I was denied entrance into my Master's program. Yes, that was hard, but I am determined to move forward and try again. Practice makes perfect, right? I know that I am not the top of my class, but I am determined and that that counts for a lot. Life is full of challanges, and you have to be ready for them.

Disability Advocacy

I really want to get involved in disability advocacy. There is so much need for change. I think that the first place to start is to do just what I already do: speak out and talk to everyone. But really, I think that it would be awesome to be able to speak out regularly. Maybe to do something similar to what I did when I was still doing Native dancing and performing and giving presentations. Something like that, giving presentations. I want to help others who fall through every crack that is possible and encourage them to still move forward.

A call back

I have had a crazy last few weeks. I have had an interview with three different companies the last three Fridays. Crazy, I know. The first one I felt like I had the job in the bag, but I really did not feel as though it would be a good fit for me. The second one I was really excited to interview for. I interviewed for a job coach position. This was a panel interview. It went really well, which is funny, because everyone was worried about me going into a panel interview, but it was so relaxed. Well, as relaxed as an interview can be. The same day that I was called for this interview another company called work and wanted to work with me. The man who spoke with them told them that I have a good thing going with company two, but that if that did not pan out that we would do the other. Tuesday I got a call to my personal phone from company three and on Wednesday I set up and interview with them for Friday. Right around that time, I ran into one of the people from the interview with company two and I asked when I should be hearing back about the job that I wanted so badly. She indicated that they were looking at me for another position rather than the one that I originally applied and interviewed for. A few hours later I got a call from company two offering a position with them. I went in this morning and checked out what I would be doing. It feels like it will be a good fit. I will be losing about ten hours a week and 25 cents an hour, so this summer will feel like I am on vacation. I still have my interview tomorrow morning with company three to check it out. We will see how it goes, but I have already started the paperwork for company two.
Five days later, I have had my interview with company three and it went well. It went so well in fact, that they said to give them two weeks and within five days wanted to offer me a position within their company. After a lot of thought over the weekend, knowing that this was undoubtably coming, I chose to turn company three down and take company two up on the offer.

Write-up

Back home my mother works in an after school tutoring program, which she loves. She has always loved tutoring. If you remember from one of my very first posts I talked about my mom being the Title 7 and Title 1 tutors at my middle school. Well, she has one student who has an excuse for everything. In remembering that I do the panel every semester she asked for me to write up a quick synopsis of what I tell people when on the panel. It is interesting to put it in written form. She said that yesterday she looked at this girl and told her about me and how I have had so many times that I could have given up and yet I haven't.
I have a nephew who is exhibiting the same signs of ADD that I have. In talking with my sister I mentioned that I do not expect for him to go one to get his Master's degree, however, I do hope that he can look at me and say that if she could do it I can too. That is my hope. i hope that I can be a guiding influence for many children in the future who feel like they can not make it. Instead if allowing myself to be a statistic of high school drop outs, I became a statistic of college graduates with a disability.
I was talking with a man from my class today and he asked how I was holding up this week. I told him that I am going to finish off this smester as strong as I started it. That is all that I can do. I received my officaial denial letter in the mail this week. It was disheartening, but because I knew that it was coming I was able to shrug it off. He said that he can see me in several years giving a speach to youth or young adults about the importance of not giving up. He said that he can see me standing up there and saying something to the effect of "I put so much effort into my undergraduate degree, I spent eight years getting to that point, and when I went to apply for my graduate program, I could not even get in. Never fear though, perseverence is the key...." I'd love that. I would actually really like to do insperational speaking assignments. I think that it could be really fun.